Choosing between necrophilia and bestiality
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 (M)
Directed by Bill Condon
The jokes about the Twilight book/movie franchise are everywhere. (This instalment's alleged full title: Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1: The Revenge of Twilight: If Harry Potter Can Break Its Final Movie Into Two Parts, So Can We.)
A quote attributed to Stephen King sums it up best, perhaps: ''Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.''
But then, to be fair, you could also argue that Romeo & Juliet or Pride & Prejudice are essentially about the same thing.
Twilight has been phenomenally successful because of the dynamic love triangle between ordinary, sulky emo teenager Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), an eternally teenage vampire (Robert Pattinson) and a Native American teen werewolf (Taylor Lautner).
Essentially it's a romantic choice between necrophilia and bestiality.
She chooses the undead Edward over the guy with the dog-breath. Poor Jacob never really had a chance; he was always more of a puppy BFF than a boyfriend. That's not a spoiler BTW, since the movie kicks off with a woodland wedding.
This is the beginning of the final chapter in the Twilight series, when things go absolutely bonkers!
It's while on honeymoon with Edward that Bella begets a vampire-human hybrid, which threatens to kill her as it gestates. This is where the already eccentric saga turns into Cronenberg-type venereal-horror, with an Alien-type growth threatening to kill poor Bella.
Thanks to the Mormon beliefs of author Stephenie Meyer, there's always been a strong message about chastity before marriage in the Twilight series, but the shrill pregnancy-will-kill-you theme goes way over the top.
For those who've read the crazy original book, they'll be hanging out for the vampire caesarean scene.
It's shot from Bella's perspective so we can't see the goriest bits, but perhaps even creepier is the ''imprinting'' scene involving Jacob and ... well, for those who haven't read the book, I won't spoil it.
Bill Condon, director of Dreamgirls and Kinsey, has some of the trickiest material of the franchise. This instalment kicks off with a wedding and a doomed honeymoon, with only a couple of minor action scenes to spice things up.
Surprisingly, the weakest scenes, amid a sea of morose moping moments, are the ones involving talking werewolves. The CGI is pretty poor this time round, the weakest of the entire franchise. It also contains the worst baby name ever committed to celluloid.
For the die-hard Twilighters, this slice of sparkly vampire cake will have them craving the final piece (due out next year).
For casual observers, it'll just be creepy, weird and oddly lacking in romance or thrills.