The worst NZ albums I have reviewed

After yesterday's look at P-Money's new album I thought I would go back through the archives. Here are the NZ albums (since stores are so keen to have a New Zealand Music section) that I have reviewed, from 2001 to 2006. The bad ones. The ones I didn't like. Maybe you liked some of them. And below I'd like you to list the five NZ albums you were most disappointed with - and why.

Let me save you 20c - before you txt in calling me a H8er - I will be looking at my favourite Kiwi albums I was lucky enough to review also. But first we need to block out the bad - then we can harness the good.

What disturbs me about this list is thinking that these albums were released in the first half of the decade since we have had New Zealand Music Month. Coincidence? In some ways yes, absolutely. But then I look at this rogue's gallery - everything from names you've never heard of (and are lucky in that respect) to granddaddies of the scene like Tim Finn - and I have to wonder about funding, major label involvement and just the bog-standard delusions of some of these artists.

Here we go then - the worst of the worst:

Russel Walder
Pure Joy

Russel Walder is an American based in Auckland. He has made, apparently, the world's first pop album for oboe. I won't argue with that.

But, never shy for making a cheap shot, I would like to add that he might have considered making it a decent album. But, he made it. And I've listened to it. In fact, I've listened to it far too many times than I would like to admit - and I really cannot see the point of it.

Still, people buy albums of dolphin squeaks and whale noise; there are always requests for albums of birdcalls...and Kenny G made enough albums (and money) to release a greatest hits. So there may be hope for Russel Walder. And if not, there'll always be Pure Joy.

Annie Crummer
Shine - The Best Of

It opens obviously enough with her hit See What Love Can Do, flowing through to Language, State Of Grace, Asian Paradise and Melting Pot (with the Cat's Away crew) and of course her humble beginnings, wailing away at the end of The Netherworld Dancing Toys' one-off hit, For Today. So far so Kiwi doing her best. But, what really is the point?

Fans will own all of this on other Kiwi compilations, or dare I say it (though obviously, somehow, somewhere, someone bought her records?) on her original releases. Two pointless Dobbyn covers and an over-torched version of I Hope I Never suggest that originality was never of huge importance.

Len Fifield
I Can Still Do It

Dear Mr. Fifield

Music is a personal thing. Each person likes something different and - hopefully - each musician makes something different. I don't like this album, it doesn't offer me anything and I can't hear anything exciting in it. But, as I said, music is a personal thing - and some people may well delight in hearing a song called Nothing Aches Today (about the dubious honour of turning 50 years old). Clearly I can't relate to this, but hearing all of these personal little sketches strummed out in plain and unexcited arrangements is something that might appeal to someone. Or perhaps not?

I don't know who - except friends of the artist - would like this. But then music is personal. So are opinions. This is mine.

Yours truthfully...

Dermania Lloyd
Set Upon A Curve

Dermania Lloyd is the voice of Cloudboy, an art-rock band masquerading as a multi-media experiment. This is Dermania's second solo album, and she has her fans that love her sound - a mix of all things Portishead/Bjork/Goldfrapp/Morcheeba - and she has some intriguing musical ideas.

This quaint wee set of separate pieces was created last year when Ms Lloyd was Artist-in-Residence at Smith's Grainstore in Oamaru. Sleeping there, writing up dreams, creating sparse programs of sound to go with the open-question style of poetry that many think is clever, or surreal...or something... To me this album is neither challenging nor superbly innovative or original - and it is lacking in significant hooks to draw the listener in. Cloudboy fans'll tell me that I'm missing the point. And sure, I can see that as a wee aural postcard, this is not without charms.

Unique
Jerry 4 W.A

P-Money's album and work elsewhere show him to be a man with skills and talent. I am disappointed to think that, by the sounds of this album's liner notes, he is responsible for promoting Unique, a rapper who is anything but what his name suggests. The beats are fine and it's all very urban NZ hip-hop focused, because of the success of Che and P-Money and The Deceptikonz and so forth...but why the posing? Why the posturing?

I find it impossible to recommend this album to anyone; for fear that it will warp and further narrow the already warped and narrow-minded. Unique aims for the ghetto and ends up shooting at the gutter. The disgusting language and disturbing mindset is what I'm against. There's no value and little point to anything said on this fraudulent record.

Carly Binding
Passenger

Reviews of Carly Binding's debut album have been positive to date: the production is smooth - her voice is fine (she can sing!) and the ten songs have been worked-over to the point of being ready for radio (We Kissed, Alright With Me). I don't have a problem admitting that this is nice-enough. That there, the fact that this is nice-enough, is the real problem. While NZ artists like Charlotte Yates work their butt off; Anika Moa strays from the camera-aware gaze that is evidently required; and Emma Paki takes her time in reworking her courage so that she might try again - and if so, surely deliver some of the best music this country will ever hear from a singer/songwriter - we instead have Carly.

There is nothing new - or unique - about the music on this album. Bic Runga's success is not enough. This time we need a singer that is prepared to sell out from the start: have radio-friendly pop songs - need audience. Instead of signing the line on what should have been a classified ad, she signed a record deal.

Ben Lummis
One Road

Thousands of sore thumbs across the country have shown faith in Ben Lummis. And it is a lovely underdog story, when you consider he was in the bottom three early on in the competition. He showed improvement each week, winning hearts, accumulating votes. I would rather listen to this than Clay Aiken. Or Ruben Studdard for that matter. One Road shows more diversity than Guy Sebastian's Just As I Am.

Ben Lummis must be looked at in this company, for he is the winner of an Idol competition. And this album is primarily a souvenir for the faithful fans of the show. Ben sings ballads (Easier To Leave is sweet, the single Can't Take That Away is over-the-top) and light reggae (Fool For Love). He tries his hand at funked-up R'n'B (Searchin') and closes with a cover of Seal's Kiss From A Rose.

The album sounds cheap and tinny (but then, this was knocked together in a couple of weeks - the longest part of production was waiting for the lucky name to plaster on the cover). Hey, he's our idol if you don't go buy this someone (presumably) will?

DJ Sir-Vere
Holla Hour

Taking a break from his multi-sequel Major Flavours mix albums, DJ Sir-Vere offers up essentially the same menu here, but it's under the heading Holla Hour, the name of Sir-Vere's slot on C4 music TV.

Their chief sponsor, Boost Mobile, is proudly displayed on the cover, along with Sir-Vere sitting on a C4 cushion. You have to ask whether this is about the music, or about the product? But let's pretend it's solely about the music.

There are 25 tracks here, counting the scratch-breaks and shout-outs offered by Sir-Vere. There are some classic tracks from recent hip-hop, such as Kanye West's Through The Wire, Jay-Z's slammin' 99 Problems and Terror Squad's Lean Back. There are also some fairly tired duds: D-12's How Come, Ja Rule's Clap Back and 50 Cent's If I Can't. Despite the inclusion of a handful of decent songs, I really can't see the point of this glorified soundtracking/sponsoring.

Surely, if you wait a month or so, you'll get a free copy when you upgrade your Boost Mobile? Hook-up!

Brooke Fraser
Albertine

I'm not a great fan of Brooke Fraser, but the songs are beautifully arranged - guitars and pianos sit in behind her voice - and the shimmering feel of the production is top-notch. That I don't agree with Fraser's motives for songwriting is irrelevant; I am not really at one with her philosophical, religious and political points of view, so I am absolutely not part of the target market for this album.

But I still think that Albertine (Fraser's sophomore release) is rather pointless and lacking in any real - true - creative substance. It's a trap that female singer/songwriters in this country seem to run in to. Can you blame them? I would hate to have to follow Bic Runga too.

Fraser's voice - a little too breathy for my liking - is still hard to really hate but it's innocuous and rather charmless on several listens. And though a handful of songs on Albertine stand out as mature compositions (for a 22-year-old) we should never measure talent by age. Drive was written when Runga was between the ages of 17 and 20 and it - still - runs rings around this album.

Alda Rezende
Traveler

Rezende's third album is her first to be released since living in New Zealand. Her Brazilian roots allowed her to be an obvious link to the recent Loop project, OE: Brazil and this album which apparently tells the story of Rezende's travels, pretty much continues on in that vein; lazy, cocktail-hour retellings of bossa and samba grooves.

Nine tracks reach just over half an hour with surface sheen suggesting little in the way of real substance. Breezy jazz-lite arrangements with occasional dots and flits of Brazilian authenticity make this perfect for a backyard BBQ; this is bossa-nova and samba for people who consider Twinset to be cutting-edge jazz.

Every new Loop release seems to undo the groundbreaking early work of a label that was, once upon a time ago, prepared to take a punt on unknown artists - and made its name promoting innovative music. It is becoming increasingly apparent that the Loop label has no interest in pursuing its grass-roots Kiwi electronica path and would rather sell albums to 50-year-olds with no time to develop discerning musical taste.

And I'm sorry, but everyone crows on about Rezende's amazing voice, to me it's a bog-standard faux-sultry bossa/samba glide with a vaguely transsexual tone.

Kimball Brisco Johnson
Songs Of Respect

I urge you to visit this man's website and read the bio-note. If you don't see for yourself, you could assume it was just a big wind-up, a potential mockumentary subject. Since August of 2005 Johnson has released EIGHT original albums - an astonishing work-rate bordering on the insane with tunes jaw-jarringly unsubtle. Honky-tonk ballads (Miracles Move Mountains) sit next to horrific anti-war songs (One By One).Oh, and he writes poetry too - but you probably guessed that by now.

The website is far more entertaining than the music (and this is the third album of his I've listened to, so I'm not just judging one book by its cover!) Kimball Brisco Johnson is a self-made millionaire, a kind and caring man apparently. He has given cars away and paid the bills of people less fortunate than him. What's more, he's overcome his own obstacles and lived to tell the tale - on his website in fact, boasting about his selflessness.

I hope he continues on with his altruism and philanthropy; I need a new car, someone left a big dent in the back door, but didn't leave a note. And I figure Kimball owes me for at least three hours of my time.

Ill Semantics
Good Musik

Ill Semantics is a group that has been doing it for a decade but they'll be better known to younger hip-hop fans most recently with their involvement in all of the cross-branded hip-hop tours. DJ Sir-Vere's mix albums and the Boost Mobile tours have helped to get the band's name out and about - but before the group released singles that hit the charts they were essentially one of New Zealand's only underground hip-hop acts.

They had street-cred and impressive rapping skills. They still do, I guess, but this album is a very conscious effort to follow the likes of Savage and Dei Hamo towards hip-hop's mainstream. There are some decent cuts on here; Lemuel and Adeaze help in creating the soulful vibes on R'n'B tracks like On & On and Take It Slow respectively, and Flowz (from Wellington act, The Footsouljahs) guests on Out Of Control.

But the overall sound is nothing new - a shame because that's exactly what Ill Semantics used to offer, something fresh within an increasingly stale genre. This album is well produced - but it's just another New Zealand hip-hop album.

Tyree
Now Or Never

Tyree would like to, in his liner notes, first and foremost, thank god. (I wonder if that gesture is tied in any way to the photo spread of Tyree extending his middle fingers on both hands across two panels of the CD's booklet).

The rap stereotypes do not end there with New Zealand's latest "star" on the Aotearoa hip-hop scene. An after-hours female radio DJ greets the listener with a faux-romance segment; it's really quite ridiculous. Then Tyree comes in to earshot, scattering his obvious rhymes across clipped, light-funk backing tracks. So far, so ho-hum (emphasis on the ho). It would be nice to hear some originality - but this new version of Savage, or Dei Hamo, or Scribe seems incapable of transcending the obvious stereotypes.

Now Or Never is an absolute load of rubbish - and it's insulting to see record companies wasting money on projects like this - when there is an exciting underbelly of indie bands far more deserving of money, publicity and the all-important break in the industry.

The Feelers
One World

Album number four for The Feelers, arriving, like clockwork, in time for the summer pub tour. The Feelers really are awful - lowest-common-denominator pub-rock for people whose cultural barometer has suffered from cracked face-glass and a ditsy needle ever since Cold Chisel disbanded. And then reformed. And then disbanded.

James Reid's annoyingly thin rasp of a voice grates in a way that only the sound of a new Feelers record can suggest. The arrangements are dull and plodding - acoustic underpinning guitars feature on almost every track, it's as if Jim Steinman was absent but told the band to just make the demos for Bat Out Of Hell VIII without his Wagnerian keyboard approach and played at half-speed.

The Feelers seem to have, almost implausibly, racked up a good double fistful of hit singles in the last half-decade (some things really are worse than NZ Idol). Here, the opening track, Weak And The Wounded (which I assume addresses the band and then its audience, in that order) has a shrieking chorus, "are you happy now?" I found myself shouting back in the direction of my car's CD player, "of course not. I'm listening to the new Feelers album!" Go on then, buy your sister it for Christmas.

Suzanne
Colour Of Summer

Suzanne Lynch was one half of The Chicks in the 1960s and then spread her wings to England, becoming the leader of Cat Stevens' vocal group and recording with the likes of Lulu, Neil Sedaka and Olivia Newton John. Some would call her an icon among New Zealand singers. On the evidence of Colour Of Summer, I would not.

Most recently she's been singing with Jackie Clarke and Tina Cross as a member of The Lady-Killers; a female vocal quartet snagging corporate events. They're sharp - but ultimately soulless. But an ever decreasing audience will recognise Suzanne as the vocal coach on the nadir of reality TV, NZ Idol. If, by releasing this album, it is Lynch's hope to confirm the reality-check of a record that will attract no buyers and all too quickly be in the chuck-out bins at The Warehouse, then she is an exemplary vocal coach for the current crop of average-singing nobodies.

Saccharine arrangements cling heavy to these songs, the rework of her 1970 solo hit, Sunshine Through A Prism suggests how redundant this actual project is. And the interpretation of Steely Dan's Reeling In The Years is one of the worst things I've had to endure on the job. Ever.

Tim Finn
Imaginary Kingdom

The very successful 2004 Finn Brothers album, Everyone Is Here and world tour - which saw two sets of New Zealand shows - hangs heavy over this new Tim Finn solo album. There's no doubt this material was written completely separate to that project (in fact some songs here have been around for the best part of a decade) but it's hard not to think that these are just leftovers.

That's because collaboration is so important to Tim Finn, not just active song co-authorship, but the competitive nature of sparring against a fellow writer. His best early Split Enz work was when he was competing to outdo the zaniness of Phil Judd.

When brother Neil stepped up to the plate, Tim had songs like I Got You and History Never Repeats to contend with. Flash forward from there to Crowded House and Woodface was a resurrection for Tim; left alone to dwindle in solo doldrums his eponymously titled album had some amazing songs on it (Not Even Close, How'm I Gonna Sleep) but good luck even finding it in a record store these days.

And throughout his sporadic solo career there have been hits (Fraction Too Much Friction) but the sibling rivalry that fuels the Finns' finest work always seems to bring out Tim's melodic gifts and soaring lyricism.

Imaginary Kingdom, while pleasant, suggests immediately - from the opening ditsy-pop of Couldn't Be Done (a Fraction Too Much rewrite) - that the pressure is off. Good on Finn for keeping at his day-job, this is, after all, what he does - he writes and sings songs. But there are no hidden layers here, no majestic choruses, no truly beautiful, deceptively simple chord sequences. There is no hidden magic. Imaginary Kingdom seems to confirm that these days Tim's biggest asset is his surname.

Various
OE: Brazil

This collaborative project features "six of New Zealand's most talented musicians", transplanted - thanks to a co-branding initiative sponsored by Bacardi - to Sao Paulo for three weeks where they were fortunate enough to record with "some of Brazil's finest artists". The result is, as you might expect, charmingly innocuous.

The separate vestiges of the two combined cultures seem to have just been chucked in a glass and served, rather than blended. The songs of The Black Seeds' Barnaby Weir, imported Brazilian pop singer Alda Rezende, Wai's Maaka Phat, Shapeshifter's P. Digsss, DJ/producer Recloose and Aotearoa's soul-siren Hollie Smith combine with some subtle Brazilian rhythmic enhancement.

The experiment does prove that the alleged "Wellington sound" was never a musical movement based specifically around geographic location, but rather featured kindred souls, shared vision and mutual acquaintances banding together to share ideas and create.

Review copies of the album were dispatched with a miniature bottle of the co-branded sponsor's product, which suggests that if the album does not sell well enough, it may pop up in a few months tied (literally) to a 40oz bottle of Bacardi in your local off-license.

There is nothing wrong with the sound of OE: Brazil - but the Brazilian grooves sit quietly, afraid to put their hand up, while the New Zealand songs seem to have lost their mana. The dub/roots, reggae, hip-hop, dance and jazz vibes are still in place despite shrouding our tunes in world-music attire. And if the marketing team have done their job correctly, the next time you head to a dimly lit bar in the CBD and order a Bacardi Caiprissima, you will probably hear this well-intentioned album - shaken, not stirred - bubbling away in the background.

» Join Blog on the Tracks on Facebook

Newest First

Oldest First

Kat019   #1   09:27 am May 07 2010

Am THRILLED Minuit didn't pop up in there! I would've practically cried! :)

What're the BEST Nz albums you've had to review? :)

Darren Watson   #2   09:31 am May 07 2010

Kimball Brisco Johnson, in that youtube clip you linked to: "Your time to get wrinkly has begun..."

Absolute gold. Thanks Si!! ;-)

40ozCount   #3   09:35 am May 07 2010

You definately nailed the feelers review!

Jonny   #4   09:47 am May 07 2010

Brooke Fraser? Any remaining chance you know anything about music just disappeared.

Mike   #5   09:48 am May 07 2010

Reviewer, this is absolute rubbish. Go and find a new day job.

Shane   #6   09:48 am May 07 2010

Whoo, thankfully only one of those is in my collection so I don't feel so bad.

Thanks Simon, was a good laugh for a Friday morning

Sezza   #7   09:50 am May 07 2010

Finally! Someone else who can't understand the love of the Feelers. Or Brooke Fraser.

Love it.

Luke   #8   09:52 am May 07 2010

I hope one day you find happiness Simon....I really do.

Cafe Chick   #9   10:13 am May 07 2010

I used to fly quite frequently for work a couple of years ago. No matter how often I caught the after-work flight back to Wellington from Christchurch on a Friday night, I never learned to get my iPod ready in time to block out the dreadful piped music on the plane: Brooke Fraser and The Feelers, every time, without fail. *shudder*

Old Drunk Mike   #10   10:20 am May 07 2010

Outrageous! How dare you publish negative things about NZ music during NZ music month! Did you not realise that ALL NZ album reviews must automatically be given a 5 star rating as we must support 'homegrown' acts? Supporters of the nanny state demand that you resign immediately as god forbid taxpayer funded NZ acts should be held accountable for their atrocious music...

Ad Feedback