Fathers now more engaged in parenting role

As well as getting older, today's Kiwi dad faces many new challenges, opportunities and expectations. Good Living gets the lowdown on fatherhood in 2010 from experts such as Nigel Latta and Ian Grant.

The Dads are all right - but are keen to do even better. That's the results of one of New Zealand's largest ever pieces of research into fatherhood.

Released in December last year, the Families Commission's Supporting Kiwi Dads report says fathers feel they are doing a good job, but are concerned about the negative views of fathers in the media and from society generally. And while work was the main barrier to spending more time with their children, more time was the main way most of them thought they could improve their parenting.

Compiling the report involved a telephone survey of 1721 Kiwi fathers from around the country conducted by Christchurch- based Research First.

Research director Carl Davidson says the commission recognised dads were under-represented when it came to research. "Studies show that fathers really matter for the mental health of their kids and that having positive, engaged fathers correlates with a whole lot of things downstream. But no-one had ever really asked them about how they felt they were doing. The commission wanted to find out the kinds of support that dad's wanted, what helps and hinders them, the roles they play and how that has changed since the last generation."

Of course, one of the major changes is age. Statistics New Zealand figures from 2008 and 2009 show the average age of fathers of new babies is 33 - it was 28 when those fathers were born. Census figures from 2006 also show only 8 per cent of fathers living with their children are under 30 (down from 14 per cent in 1986) and 16 per cent are aged 50 years or more (up from 11 per cent in 1986).

These figures are just one example of a rapidly changing society which has presented fathers with opportunities and challenges. "Fathers today are confronted with a whole lot of expectations - you need to be your kid's best friend, you need to be a provider and a great support for your wife. It's a juggling act and at times fathers are saying it is really hard to do all those things well."

As Families Commissioner Gregory Fortuin noted when the report was originally released "the changing views of gender roles, divorce, blended families, women entering the workforce, globalisation and growing cultural diversity, have re-shaped the playing field on which men play out their role as dads".

It is now part of everyday life for fathers to be present at antenatal classes (although only 20 per cent of those surveyed indicated they had attended a class) and their child's birth, push buggies and be involved in school events.

"And yet many fathers don't think they get a very good rap," Davidson says. "Lots of fathers in this research didn't think their role as fathers was valued, and that society has portrayed them pretty poorly. Just try thinking of a positive role model male father on any TV show."

He says the need for two incomes has changed everything about families. "As women have moved into paid work families have become much smaller and changed the traditional roles within relationships. In the old days, women who worked part-time were seen as the busiest people but now there's a whole bunch of research that suggests that if you put together paid and unpaid work some fathers do as much as anybody."

He says the fathers they surveyed said they were heavily involved in family chores and a full range of activities with their children. "The once stereotypical authoritarian and often remote father appears to have been replaced by one who wants to play a larger, more active role in raising children. For some fathers that means reducing work hours, juggling shifts or even leaving their paid jobs to take on fulltime childcare."

While employers have become more accommodating of requests for flexibility, only half of the fathers surveyed indicated they were able to take parental leave following the birth of their children and three-quarters were permitted special leave when a child was sick.

One unexpected result, Davidson says, was that the majority of fathers believed fathering was instinctive, something they learned by doing. "Less than half of those surveyed had read something about fathering, fewer had attended a course and very few used a support group. What was also really interesting was that generally fathering wasn't something they talked about with other fathers in workplace or socially, except one-to-one with friends."

But while most fathers were happy with their lot, some felt themselves unprepared for fatherhood and would have appreciated more pre and post-birth training that included information on the implications for them. They wanted to help their partners following the birth, but felt peripheral and excluded, Davidson says. "Also, some of them felt bewildered by their loss of freedom at the birth of their first child and wished they could have been better prepared."

Likewise there were some "clusters of frustration", groups of fathers who were struggling, like younger fathers, those with education and economic disadvantages, those who had bad experiences with the Family Court system and separated, single and stepfathers.

As a result of the report, the commission is advocating for targeted training and support for fathering for such groups, a push for more appreciation of a father's role and plans to work with family services and agencies to ensure that they provide father-friendly services. They will also be lobbying for improved parental-leave provisions.

Rules, routines and ridiculousness

Ian Grant believes fathers' knowledge of the three Rs is what makes them vital to any child's upbringing. It's not the traditional trio we're talking about, but rather rules, routines and ridiculousness. "We all know that fathers have traditionally been the disciplinarians and, let's be honest, it is usually Dad who does the crazy stuff," says Grant.

The author of several books on the subject and a highly sought-after speaker on parenting, he says fatherhood is much changed in recent years.

"The first and second world wars coming so close together resulted in a lot of stoic, emotionally crippled men who decided just to get on with providing for their kids. But today we have some of the best fathers we've ever seen in New Zealand."

He believes the greatest thing a father can do is love the mother of his kids. "Take that classic [Australian] movie The Castle. They are supposed to be a dysfunctional family but they're not in my mind because he always supports his wife. And if a father is an angry, argumentative guy, his daughter will often marry a similarly abusive character, which is weird, but its normal to her because that's what she has grown up with."

The other mistake fathers make with their daughters is trying to be their best friend, says Grant.

"When we wrote our bestseller Growing Great Girls, my wife, Mary, and I talked to a lot of educationalists and people who worked with girls and the surprising common comment was that they see so many young teenage women taking huge risks because they've been wrapped up in cotton wool. Suddenly they are free and don't know how to smartly take risks."

Grant says the rise of feminism has meant many men are unsure of what their role is now. However, he encourages dads to step up and get involved as much as possible in their children's lives. "Dads often undervalue how important they are. He's more than just a guy who supplies the bread on the table.

"Your daughter needs to hear from you that she is lovely and capable and boys have got to hear that they have got what it takes and that you are proud of them. It's like boys need that respect and women need to be cherished. We're finding that with teenage girls, they'll often push their father until they say 'I don't want you to go to that party because you are too precious to me'. I'm just encouraging dads to step up, now more than ever, because the community protection has gone - it's the Wild West out there now."

That also goes for boys, for while there are some amazing solo mums out there, a mother can never show her son how to be a bloke, says Grant.

"He's got to have a bloke around to download the software on how to be a man from and that's why, as long as the father isn't a drunk or a drug user, I think it is very sad if boys are cut off from their dads."

Grant also believes fathers should be involved right from their child's birth.

"If he's there changing the nappies, helping his wife and goo-gooing over the cot, then the bond between them will be that much greater."

In years of touring the country, delivering seminars and talks to parents, Grant has noticed a geographical difference in how dads get their parenting information.

"The further south you go the more dads want to know."

Ian Grant will be in Christchurch next Wednesday presenting a Hot Tips for Parents seminar at the Aurora Centre from 7.30pm. Tickets available from Postie Plus stores, the Funky Pumpkin on Blenheim Rd, McNeill Drilling in Hornby, or by phoning 323 7196.

Grant will also be a guest speaker at the Parents Inc Fathers' Breakfast at AMI Stadium on March 16. For more information on that event, phone 0800 535 659, or see www.theparentingplace.com.

- © Fairfax NZ News