Bad habits and how to avoid them

British parenting and relationship expert HARRY BENSON has written a guide focused on the mum- dad relationship at the vulnerable time of early parenthood. In this extract from Let's Stick Together, he discusses the dangers of points scoring.

Someone has a go at you. You feel criticised and under attack. Your immediate reaction is to return fire and point the finger straight back at your accuser. That is scoring points.

Here are a few examples of my own tendency to score points with Kate.

Kate likes a tidy bedroom and makes sure things get put away. So when she sees an extra pair of trousers or jersey or two of mine left dangling over my chair, she's bound to remind me to make sure I don't leave it there. It's not meant in any way other than a gentle reminder.

She likes a tidy bedroom. Please put your stuff away. End of story. But sometimes things aren't always said or heard so simply.

Early in the morning, I'm not often in sparkling form and usually a bit fuzzy- headed. What I hear instead from Kate feels more like an accusation: "You've left your trousers lying on the chair."

I see a metaphorical finger pointed at me. It seems a bit unreasonable to find myself put on the spot so early in the morning. And anyway, what is she going on about? I'm usually pretty good at putting my stuff away. I'm beginning to feel quite defensive. But hang on a second, look over there. "How about your stuff? Are you going to put your clothes away?"

Before I can stop myself, the words are out. I am scoring points. I'm not dealing with the basic issue; I'm changing the subject. I'm defending myself. In fact I'm even attacking Kate.

This is where the idea of a STOP sign is so helpful. Even in my fuzzy- headed early morning half-awake state, I know immediately that I am scoring points. I know it is stupid. It is like seeing a big red STOP sign in front of my face. My immediate reaction is firstly to apologise to Kate - "I'm sorry. I'll put them away" - and then to deal with the offending trousers.

A little change of direction now, a bad habit nipped in the bud, means we avoid what might have become at best a spat that left a bad taste in the mouth and at worst a monster argument that rolled on for days.

Here's another example of scoring points nipped in the bud. Both Kate and I dislike waste at home, so we often find ourselves turning off lights left on around the house by the children. But the bathroom heater has a special place in Kate's heart as a prime source of waste. So one bleary-eyed morning, I find myself quietly brushing my teeth in the bathroom when a voice from next door points out that "Harry, you left the bathroom heater on the last two days".

Of course, all Kate means is to remind me to make sure I turn it off because she doesn't like the waste. What I hear is very different. I'm sleepy and my defences are down. Kate's gentle reminder to turn things off becomes a finger of accusation pointing at me. I don't like it.

Now, one of my little preferences is that our bath gets cleaned out after use. It doesn't usually bother me that I appear to be the only one who does it. My wife and my teenagers use the bath but don't appear to share my enthusiasm for a quick tidy-up afterwards. But hey, it only takes five seconds with a shower head. So no big deal - until today. So I'm suddenly feeling got at. "You left the bathroom heater on the last two days." I happen to glance down at the bath. I'm about to launch forth with my brilliant reply, "Well, you never clean the bath out."

Luckily the words never pass my lips. STOP! I realise that I am scoring points. Once again the gentlest, most sensible route is to apologise. "I'm sorry. I should have turned it off. I'll make sure I turn the heater off when I'm finished." Problem solved.

Can you imagine what kind of a day we might have had if I hadn't kept my mouth shut? A tiny change by me avoided a potentially huge argument or escalation.

Some might think it all seems terribly unfair that I'm the one who has to make the sacrifices here. I'm the one who has to back down. Shouldn't Kate bear some of the responsibility? All I know is that I want my marriage to work, and I want the best for Kate. So what if I have to back down occasionally? The truth is that both of us want the best. I know that Kate holds back from scoring points as well. But that's up to her. As for me, I can only be responsible for my own behaviour.

Love and commitment require sacrifice. It's not very wise to insist on winning some petty argument but end up losing the relationship. If I behave nicely toward Kate, she's going to feel a whole lot more loved, and our marriage will go a whole lot more smoothly. If I behave badly just because I've misinterpreted what was a reasonable request, then more fool me.

Let's Stick Together, New Holland, $19.98.

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