Laughter the best response to dreary days

BY KINETA KNIGHT

As the organiser of some of Christchurch's biggest festivals – including the World Buskers' Festival – Jodi Wright knows good entertainment when she sees it.

But when she told me her favourite joke, I didn't get it. I still don't, although I'm sure I will one day.

Wright says: "Here's one my mother used to tell me all the time and I didn't actually figure it out until I was in my 20s. `How many men does it take to change a light bulb?' `I don't know."'

Former lead singer of Zed, turned solo artist, Nathan King knows how to write a good song, and tell a good joke – if the following is anything by which to judge.

"A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, `What the hell was that all about?"'

Writer and comedic actor David McPhail says humour depends on leading people in a direction where they think they can anticipate the conclusion – then switching suddenly.

This confusion makes people laugh, McPhail says.

"Example: `I bought a second-hand house. I'm going to renovate it using second-hand paint.' You didn't laugh? OK.

"I'm an appalling gardener. I had a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.

"Two women of the night meet in Manchester St – `I've had an appalling night. I've been up and down those stairs 15 times.' The other replies: `Fifteen times?! Oh, your poor feet."'

One of the main candidates for the Christchurch city mayoralty tells a story he entitles "Campaigning in Hell".

Jim Anderton says it's a story about a politician who was asked to make a choice.

"He was an old politician who had just died and arrived at the pearly gates, where he met a slightly perplexed St Peter.

"`Look,' St Peter told him, `we've never had a politician up here before, so we are thinking there might have been a mistake. But I'll tell you what we can do. You can have a look down below in Hell, as well as up here, and make your own choice about where you want to spend eternity.'

"So the politician had a good look around Heaven and found it very pleasant and calm, with angels floating around playing harps and singing sweetly all day.

"Then he goes down to have a look at Hell, and finds a wild party under way, full of his old political mates, rock'n'roll music playing, a majestic golf course, fast cars, yachts and a very personable and friendly Devil.

"So, the politician goes back to St Peter and says, `I've made my choice. Heaven seems very nice, but Hell just seems more in my line.' St Peter wishes him well and off the MP goes.

"When he arrives back at Hell, he gets a shock – the party is over, the golf course, fast cars and yachts are gone, and it's just a barren wasteland broken only by the screams of eternal anguish from condemned souls.

"`I don't understand,' the politician tells the Devil. `Yesterday, when I was making my choice, this was a fantastic place full of fun and excitement. What happened?'

"`Well, yesterday we were campaigning,' the Devil told him. `Now the election's over'."

From one mayoral candidate to the next. Bob Parker says: "Winston Churchill once said that a joke is a very serious thing. He was master of short witty sayings that always contained an essential truth. For example, on learning he said, `Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.'

"Another saying of relevance at this time is: `A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.'

"But it is in the following that the essential meaning of life can be found in the ancient Eastern riddle: `What is the difference between a duck? One leg is both the same as the other.'

"Work that out if you can."

Thanks to Wright and Parker, I think I shall remain confused for some time yet.

But with well-known television and theatre actress Rima Te Wiata's favourite "silly poem" by Spike Milligan, my mind can rest for a while.Mary Pugh was nearly twoWhen she went out of doorsShe went out standing up, she didBut came back on all fours.The moral of the story,Please meditate and pauseNever send a baby outWith loosely waisted drawers."

When you're looking for a single good joke, don't ask Dave Fitzgerald, from the Classic Hits 97.7FM Breakfast Show, because he will give you so many jokes you will become awash and confused with laughter. So, it's down to me to decide.

"One day the teacher asked her students to use the word `fascinate' in a sentence. Molly said, `My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

"The teacher said, `That was good, but I wanted you to use the word `fascinate'.'

"Sally raised her hand. She said, `My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

"The teacher said, `Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word `fascinate'.'

"Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated, but decided there was no way he could damage the word `fascinate'. Johnny said, `My cousin has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight."'

A Christchurch band getting a lot of television and radio airplay at the moment is Dukes, with their song Vampires and Self Control.

Lead singer/guitarist Matt Barus says he cannot remember any jokes.

"The only one I can pull out is one some kids I work with told me. Actually, I can think of a few `yo mama' jokes, but probably not appropriate ... Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, `Do you know how to drive this?"'

Erin Simpson, from TV2's The Erin Simpson Show, keeps her contribution simple and punchy.

"What is invisible and smells like a carrot? A rabbit fart."

And finally, one of The Court Jesters' most popular improvisers, Daniel Pengelly shares his favourite joke from abroad.

"As an aeroplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, `If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.' She removes all her clothing and asks, `Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?' A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, `Here, iron this."'

Got some winter humour to share? Comment on this piece below.

- © Fairfax NZ News