Callous circumstances of suicide still hurtful

BY MARTIN VAN BEYNEN

Deaths by suicide are difficult for those left behind. Inevitably, lingering questions and guilt dog people close to the deceased.

In Ben Dowdell's case, the misgivings and recriminations run deep. Many in his network of friends and acquaintances knew he intended to take his own life and did nothing to prevent it. Some helped him in a practical way to kill himself.

That the group was made up of 15 and 16-year-olds raises troubling questions and connects with a growing unease about disaffected youth.

Ben placed himself among a group of alienated fellow-travellers, seemingly strangers to normal values. It proved to be a fatal environment.

Ben, most people say, was a decent but messed-up kid.

He was born on March 10, 1993, in Auckland, where his father was an army officer specialising in logistics. Eventually reaching the rank of lieutenant-colonel, Chuck Dowdell's postings took the family (Ben has a younger brother) to England and Australia and they travelled widely on holiday.

Ben's mother, Debbie Close, says he was bullied at whatever school he attended. Although experts found it difficult to pinpoint a specific learning disorder, he found school difficult and was always poorly organised. He lacked motivation for less practical subjects and was easily distracted. At 16, he was 195.5cm tall and wore size 15 shoes, but he suffered from poor co-ordination. His goal was always to join the army and he had a passion for firearms.

"I loved him. He was friendly and always looked happy, but he found it difficult to read social situations and could be annoying by getting in your face," Close says.

In 2006, when the family returned from Canberra for Chuck Dowdell's posting to Burnham Army Camp, "the wheels were starting to come off", Close says.

She and her husband fought over the best way to handle Ben, with Close taking the position he was a severely disturbed teenager and Chuck taking a more relaxed view.

Ben attended Middleton Grange in 2007 and, although the school gave him a lot of support, he was prone to outbursts and sometimes refused to do his work. He was expelled late in 2008 after he had twice threatened pupils with a knife. About this time his parents split up.

Ben worked for a short time in a Wigram tyre business and then went scrub-cutting in Kaikoura. Neither job was a success and by February last year he was back in Christchurch on an adult literacy course at Hagley College.

In March, Ben's father gave him a pump-action shotgun for his 16th birthday. His furious mother contacted the police to stop him getting a firearms licence.

"Ben was obsessed with firearms. I could see another Columbine [High School massacre] happening."

Ben never forgave her for intervening and, after a huge row, went to live with his father in Springston.

What happened in the last week of Ben's life is sketchy.

Marama, a close friend on the adult literacy course, says Ben had been talking about killing himself, but was known for extravagant stories and was not taken seriously.

"He told everybody. He would just stand there with a dull expression on his face. He had nothing to say. I tried to get him to snap out of it and go for walks with him, but got nothing more than it was just going to happen."

In a farewell letter to another friend, Ben asked the boy to raise several questions at his wake, including: "How did I get this way? How can I walk tall knowing I'm a failure? How can people tell me I will succeed knowing damn well I will not? How can people look at me knowing what I'm like? When I'm gone will everybody be happy? When will this be over? What am I meant to be here for? What do people think of me?"

The boy did not seek help for Ben.

Ben also paid a friend $2000 to arrange his death, but that came to nothing.

Within days, more serious preparations were in hand. Through mutual acquaintances, Ben met Dillon Gargett, 16, who lived with his family in Sydenham.

Dillon's father, Warren, taps his head with a forefinger, and says Dillon is "in the same boat" as Ben.

"He has a wee problem upstairs and, if he doesn't take his medication, he goes a wee bit nutty."

Like Ben, Dillon has given his parents plenty of drama. He has spent time in the youth justice facility in Rolleston. He has learning problems and has made several half-hearted suicide attempts.

Although Dillon was also picked on at school, he fought back.

"My boy went through hell at school, but he started punching people out," his father says.

On the evening of September 3, Dillon, his girlfriend, Ben, Ben's best friend Peter (who says he regarded Ben as a brother), and one other went to Bradford Park in Sydenham, a tree-lined expanse of green among old cottages and new housing.

In the park, Dillon set up equipment to enable Ben to kill himself. Two of the group then left, not wanting to see Ben die. Ben told Dillon and his girlfriend to leave and not look back. They walked off across the park and looked back when they heard a loud noise, then carried on.

When they returned to Dillon's house, the group used Dillon's cellphone to text various people, announcing in a matter-of-fact way Ben had taken his own life.

Trying to find his son, Ben's father rang Dillon, who feigned ignorance of Ben's whereabouts.

Ben's body was left in the park overnight to be discovered by a woman out walking just before 7am the next day.

A year after Ben's death, the hurt is still raw.

Close weeps when talking about Ben. She is still angry she was not told he was missing from his father's house and still astounded she was not consulted when Ben applied for his firearms licence. She now wants to visit schools to talk about the damage bullying and teasing can do and to help students recognise the signs of depression and potential suicide in others.

Most of all, she is appalled so many people knew about Ben's plan and failed to get help.

"It is not only Dillon. He provided the tools and egged him on, but the other three in the park, in my mind, were just as guilty of not doing the right thing. They used my son as entertainment."

Marama says the issue of Ben's death became a "silent" subject for her fellow students very quickly.

"We couldn't talk about it. He made such an impact on the whole course. We used to have lunch and morning tea together. He would drop me home. He was always happy."

Peter, who apparently put Ben in touch with Dillon, doesn't say much. He says he misses Ben but has "blocked out" the events of last year.

Dillon was the only one of the group named and charged with assisting Ben to commit suicide. He was sentenced to eight months home detention after spending four months in custody in Paparua Prison. Only six weeks from the end of his term of home detention, he cut off his electronic bracelet and took off. He is back in Paparua awaiting sentence on Monday.

A message on his Bebo site says: "Rest In Peace Ben. I'm sorry an I can never forgive myself you always said `live life no regrets' but I just can't do that I wich I could change this but it is to late. I cant sleep knowing what I did to you and ur family I can only apologise wich doesnt seem fair for I am sincererily sorry."

For Dillon's family, the year has been hell. The Gargetts believe their son was made a scapegoat because he was the only one who could set up the equipment.

"This thing is eating him. To these kids, it was almost a game. `Let's see if he does it.' And, of course, he done it," Warren Gargett says.

Dillon has completed a welding course and, with the help of a psychologist, is now "a totally different person", he says.

Acting Detective Sergeant Mike Ford, who investigated the case, remembers it vividly, particularly because of the callousness revealed.

He would have charged "the lot" if he could, he says.

"Their reactions just make you shake your head.

"They all knew what was going to happen and, unfortunately, they all tried to deal with it themselves and they didn't have the common sense and maturity to get some help.

"The thing with Dillon was he was the principal offender. The others were on the fringe. They were not criminally liable, but had a moral duty to get help."

One of the cruellest aspects of the case was the decision by the group to leave Ben in the park all night for a member of the public to find.

"I find that quite disgusting," Ford says.

He feels for all the families involved.

"Debbie and Chuck. They are good people who had a son with issues and they were trying to do their best for him.

"I can't speak highly enough of Dillon's father. In a lot of these cases, the families close up shop but, like us, the father wanted to find out what the truth was and, if his son had done something bad, his son was going to have to live with it."

Ford is still puzzled by the mentality of the young people involved.

"They've got no direction in their lives. They've got so much time on their hands. They don't go to school. They don't work. They drink, smoke cannabis and just drift."

One factor common to most of the teenagers involved was no direct supervision from parents or any other role models, he says.

"I know teenagers can be difficult, but you have to know what they are up to."

Peter and Marama are not the real names of those involved.

- © Fairfax NZ News