The fatal distraction of the Moa

ANDREW GUNN
Last updated 09:43 06/07/2014

Relevant offers

OPINION: Meet Trevor Mallard. He's an ordinary Joe in an ordinary job. He works at a desk. He follows the rugby. He gets in fights. He could have been a contender. And he likes shouting provocative things.

"I like shouting provocative things!" Until one slow news day he shouts a provocative thing . . .

"I've had a brainstorm! Let's bring back the moa!"

. . . that gets the nation's press beating a path to his door for more.

"It'd be great for tourism."

Now as the clock counts down to an election that could shape the country's destiny for generations to come, a hero will rise who won't be silenced on what really matters - large flightless birds in the backblocks of Wainuiomata. Not today. Not tomorrow. But 50 or 100 years into the future, a future where the only boundaries are his imagination.

He blew you away in A Fistful Of Henare. He hit one out of the chamber in The Ejectables. Now he's back. And this time, it's improbable.

Parliament Pictures presents an epic story of one man's journey of irrelevance: Fatal Distraction.

Starring David Cunliffe as the embattled leader who smiles through gritted teeth:

"Hah, good one Trev. Moa. Seriously though, does anyone want to talk about our housing policy? Hello? Anyone?"

John Key as his pretty relaxed nemesis:

"Look, I think New Zealanders actually prefer hearing about this to hearing about that report on child poverty. Heineken, anyone?"

Trevor Mallard in the performance of his life, as Trevor Mallard:

"It's a bit like Jurassic Park eh!"

And the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi as the mentor he should have listened to:

"These aren't the talking points you're looking for. Move along."

Fatal Distraction. In a world where trivia is king, in a world where every second of airtime counts, one loose cannon who plays by his own rules will blunder into giving TV news crews exactly what they want - ridiculous sound- bites from a universe beyond your wildest dreams:

"I'd like ones I could pat on the head!"

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the manifesto. Special appearance by Winston Peters as himself:

"Now look here, they'd better be New Zealand moa or there'll be trouble."

Fatal Distraction. From the people who brought you "Here's our alternative budget, but in exactly the same news cycle we'll say something inflammatory about Donghua Liu - which one would you like to lead the 6 o'clock news with?" comes a rib-tickling roller- coaster ride of message-blurring and focus-splitting.

This spring unpredictability has a name, and that name is Trevor. More absurd. More tangential. Moa than you ever expected.

Ad Feedback

Fatal Distraction. Coming soon to a circus near you. Not yet classified. May contain nuts.

- The Press

Comments

Special offers
Opinion poll

The lower drink-driving limits from December are:

Great - too much carnage on our roads.

Overkill - targets moderate drinkers, not the heavies

Still too little - make it zero tolerance.

Sensible - punishment is in line with lesser breaches of limit.

Vote Result

Related story: Drink-drive limits lowered

Featured Promotions

Sponsored Content