John Key's lottery numbers, imagined

17:00, Aug 02 2014

John here. I've been running the numbers, and here they are: this week's Keyno results:

Fifty-two. Fifty-two points in the polls - that's where we're at, fellas, and everyone else can read 'em and weep. Top of the world, ma, top of the world!

Eight. Eight points in the polls - that's where David Cunliffe's at. No, it's seven! No, it's six! Poor guy can't catch a break. Everything he touches is bad luck. Back in the currency trading room we had a name for people like him - it was "David Cunliffe"! Hah!

Zero. Colin Craig is zero to me. I spurn him like last year's Audi. Don't need people like that on your team. He's a loose unit. You never know what he's going to come out with next. Not a good look. Mental note: have a quiet chat to Nick Smith.

Four. Four per cent for New Zealand First. Not enough, Winston, and you know it, you seatless schmuck. Feel lucky, punk? Well do ya? I'd hold onto that gold card if I were you, you'll be needing it.

One. One Peter Dunne, there's only one Peter Dunne, (sing along everybody!) one Peter Dun-ne! But one's enough and if he brings a couple of his mates, they're all welcome at the barbie. And he really rocks a bow-tie. Top bloke.


Five. Five minutes, Gerry, that's all it would have taken. Strike a light . . .

Eleven. Eleven places up the party list, that's how much I promoted Hekia. How did that happen? Talk about your brainfade. Maybe I ate some bad cheese the night before. Oh well, c'est la vie as they say in Devonport.

Two. Two ACT MPs for the price of one. As long as Jamie Whyte doesn't say something stupid. Sorry, he what? Oh jeez.

Four thousand three hundred and twenty-nine. That's the dollars in a teacher's weekly wage packet under this National-led government.

Thirty-eight. That's the dollars in another teacher's weekly wage packet under this National-led government. Bugger that Novopay.

Two hundred and thirty. Two hundred and thirty kilos of rapping smirking Germanic menace. But he's bluffing, of course he's bluffing. He's got nothing on me. I've checked. I've had my people check. They've told me he's got nothing. So upload that!

Three. Three a.m. in the morning. That's when the night terrors start. What if he has got something? I don't remember anything. But I don't remember the Springbok tour! Oh god . . .

Fifty. Fifty milligrams of codeine. Oh that's good. Thanks Pharmac.

Six. Six more years. Overall, look yeah, I am pretty relaxed about that, actually.

And that's our Keyno numbers for this week. Thanks for playing along with Keyno - the only game in town.

The Press