OPINION: I hate phone design nerds.

Who the hell pays these geeks to invent these pathetic gadgets that do a multitude of useless, extraneous tasks but can't put through a simple phone call to Woodend?

I mean, we supposedly have these gadgets to make life easier and all we seem to do is stand around talking into them trying to get them to work.

Yet, they can do amazing things. Download the rings of Saturn, micro-analyse sedimentary deposits from the Marianas Trench for signs of light-phobic amoeba, photograph skin samples for signs of iodine deficiency . . . tell you what altitude you're walking at . . . BRILLIANT! Yet try phoning Phil in Whataroa and you're stuffed.

Soon you will be ensconced on the phone, pressing buttons trying to make yourself understood to some monosyllabic answer service asking for another bunch of pin numbers, security codes, top-up instructions and underwear sizes just to be recognised by the bleeding phone that you pay for in the first place.

Why is this technology so security focused, with endless pin numbers and bleeding codes? What's going to be stolen? Your last three texts? Then if you are lucky enough to get through to the bloke you want, the bugger doesn't answer. WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING IT?

Then try and get your bleeding fingers on the phone buttons! Why do they make them so frigging small? The average finger tip will cover six of these infernal appendages at once . . . why not make them BIGGER? It can take 10 minutes to dial 111, and that's as long as the phone can get reception. And why the hell are they so ridiculously FRAGILE? You just have to sneeze and the glass on these suckers shatters like thin ice on a duck-pond besieged by boulders.

My advice to these inventors? Focus on the basics. Have three buttons - ON, WORK, OFF. Quite simple really. Make them strong by reinforcing them with thick, shockproof rubber. And if we want to change networks, how about designing a SIM card that you simply interchange? You want Telecom? You put a Telecom SIM card in and it works. You want 2Degrees? You put in a 2Degrees SIM card and it works . . .

And while on the subject of SIM cards, if you're going to spend millions developing iPhones, can we have perhaps something better to remove the SIM card with . . . other than a bent paperclip?

The Rant is a forum for those of a certain vintage to air their societal grievances. If you would like to submit a 350 to 400-word rant on a topic that has you hot under the collar, email goodliving@press.co.nz.

- © Fairfax NZ News

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