Locusts, flies, lice and boils put on Christchurch plague standby

Shaun Yeo

SATIRE: In a heart-warming act of solidarity, the people of Kaikoura, Seddon, Culverden and surrounding areas are returning the generosity shown to them by sending emergency supplies of expletives back to beleaguered fire-affected Port Hills residents who could really use them right now.

Kaikoura farmer Kelvin Scales, who is behind the relief effort, found himself going through "eighty to ninety" cuss-words a day following the November 2016 quake. Mr Scales remembers with gratitude the parcels of profanities which arrived in Kaikoura with an Army escort and is determined to repay the favour, saying "It's only f...ing fair, those poor f.....s".

Truckloads of words your mother would wash your mouth out with soap if she caught you using are now picking their way southward along the reopened State Highway One and should be in the mouths of tired and frazzled hillside homeowners by this evening.

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Following the devastation to Christchurch caused by earthquakes and now fires, frogs and locusts have been mobilised and asked to be ready to swarm at an hour's notice.

Saying "Here we go – this is what we've trained for", PAPSE – the Plagues And Pests Special Executive – has issued a special bulletin to member frogs and locusts not to travel far from their ponds, streams and wherever it is that locusts hang out when they're not being required to inflict overwhelming damage of biblical proportions.

Flies, lice and boils have also been put on plague standby should the spate of natural disasters fail to break the spirit of Christchurch people who in the words of one sleep-and-expletive-deprived resident have "had enough of this bleepety bleep".

Studies continue to show that on a disruption-by-disruption and frustration-by-frustration basis old-fashioned calamities are holding their ground against newcomer plagues like road cones, random internet outages and charity clip-board holders who stop you in the street.

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In a related matter, a twenty-four-hour watch is being kept outside the palatial headquarters of Destiny Church's Bishop Brian Tamaki, who notoriously laid the responsibility for earthquakes at the feet of "gays, sinners and murderers". A supply of rotting fruit is being laid in should a pronouncement on the moral blame for this week's fires be forthcoming from the bishop.

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Meanwhile emergency response officials in the region are rejecting suggestions that Civil Defence Minister Gerry Brownlee's mouth be pressed into service as a monsoon bucket.

On Wednesday Minister Brownlee waded like a bestriding colossus into a one-man debate about aspects of the emergency response, saying he was perplexed, concerned and frustrated.

An unnamed official would say only that the monsoon-bucket suggestion was not feasible, explaining that "Mr Brownlee's mouth is certainly big enough, but unfortunately it always keeps opening at the wrong time".

 - Stuff

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