'N ow, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer, and Vixen!

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

This weekend I committed an act of awesome bravery. I ate chickens' feet.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

I've bought a magic car. The naive viewer may think it looks like any other 15-year old Nissan Lucino, but this one is also a time-travelling machine.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

There's been fear and self-loathing on the Intercity. I've been carless for a few months so in order to visit my friend Ruby, who now lives down Oamaru way, I had to catch a bus. Ruby, who has long held the position of everybody's secretary, booked the ticket.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

I can't say I've walked through the doors of perception but I have opened a gate into another world.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

The trouble, or maybe the charm, of being a reporter is that you are expected to be an instant expert on any given subject on any given day.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

As any women's magazine or people- watching trip to Westfield Mall will tell you, you will eventually become your mother. Even if you're a boy.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

I see almost no reason to stay in the journalism game now that I'm a market gardener.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

Few things are certain in life. There is death, of course, and there is the irrefutable fact that your keys will go missing when you are in a hurry, or when you are doing something a bit naughty.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

I've always wanted to be a medical anomaly and now my big day has arrived.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

This week I can expose myself as a cat burglar. I announce this new career path with both a sense of pride and shame. I've done a spot of breaking and entering - but because the thing I broke then entered was my friends' home, I'm not exactly sure of the legalities.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

Please help me. I have been enslaved. I write to you from a small annex where I am busy preparing the next meal for my Masters, the Hogg family.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

What you want from an old school friends' reunion is to discover that time has been far kinder to you than the others.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

This will come as no surprise to many of you but life is freakin' difficult.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

In case you were wondering - and I wouldn't blame you if you were - there are times where I behave in an adult manner.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

TV One made me racist. There I was, sitting innocently in a car on the side of a road, near the cul-de-sac where Christchurch gunman Shayne Sime had been shot by police. The cul-de-sac was cordoned off with police emergency tape - and wherever you find emergency tape, reporters are sure to be nearby.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

This week I discovered that my cousin Christopher and I, independently of one another, have been trying to knock off our grandmother for years.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

There was a TV show in the 1980s which I loved. It was called the A-Team. There were a lot of brilliant things in the A-Team but a main source of happiness was when the team's unflappable leader, Hannibal, regularly came out with this line: "I love it when a plan comes together."

BECKELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

Beck is having trouble getting out of character.

BECKELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

Stand back, I've just had my Wind Pond pierced.