Twittering my way to fame

BECK ELEVEN

Welcome to this week's column you big, gorgeous readers and may I extend a special welcome to those who read this column simply because it revolts them.

That might sound sycophantic, but today is the day I launch my ridiculous plan for world domination. And I need your help.

I plan to become New Zealand's most followed Twitterer even though I barely understand what that means.

I am starting a Twitter account.

If the phrase "Twitter account" means nothing to you, or makes you want to gouge out your own internal organs, then we are on a similar level, but it's coming up on the year 2010 so let's haul ourselves into the millennium together.

I guess Twitter is like an online tearoom where you can disseminate thoughts. A survey of the site has shown that much of Twitter is made up of "pointless babble" and I doubt my tweets will do anything to change that.

I know you get called a Twit for joining but I've been called a lot worse.

You sign up for an account and follow other people's pointless babble. Not surprisingly, these people are called "followers".

I'm asking you to become followers.

For me to become the most followed Kiwi Twit, you have to sign up for an account yourself. It's free and so easy that even a drunk or geriatric can do it. Go to Twitter.com and join by giving your name and a password. Then search for "beckeleven" and click on the button that allows you to "follow" me.

I didn't start off my week wanting to become the country's biggest Twit.

Quite the opposite.

A friend emailed to ask if I had a Twitter account.

My reply was this: "Absolutely not. It's bad enough people have to listen to what's going on in my mind once a week let alone every bleeding thought that goes through my grey matter. God forbid I get a Twitter."

But then a couple of colleagues decided to become my behind-the- scenes Twitter svengalis.

Even people who hate Twitter are talking about Twitter. Kelly Osborne said "everyone talks about Twitter to try to be young and cool".

I've talked about Twitter so much in the past day or two that I've shed years. It's like online Botox.

Foolishly, I have already been a bit of a DICT-head. (That's Drunk In Charge of Twitter). I was a few nips full of Christmas spirit when I signed up for an account. The next morning I had seven followers. I'd only written "I exist" and I'd forgotten my password.

The real reason to try to become the country's most followed Twitterer is to lower productivity and raise smiles. There's enough seriousness in this world and it all churns itself out. The laughs have to be a little more manufactured but they are equally as important.

The BEck Eleven Twitter Fest is a fun silly, social experiment and a sad, grasping attempt at temporary fame.

My campaign managers tell me we will be testing a new way to engage with people and we will respond to all questions asked over Twitter.

Our minimal research tells us that New Zealand is wide open to take the Twitter crown.

TV's John Campbell has just over 7000 followers and we plan to take him down. Christchurch City Councillor Yani Johanson has 54 followers. I think we can topple that.

And I'm prepared to beg, so if you do nothing else today, sign up to Twitter and follow my tweets.

Of course it all sounds harmless now but once I've achieved my goal, watch out for Sinister Phase Two.

Visit Beck's Twitter account

- © Fairfax NZ News