Out of tune at poolside resort

BECK ELEVEN

Has everyone had at least a day or two off work?

Feeling relaxed and rested? Or like me, just completely out of tune and socially anxious?

I'm not sure whether to blame the cycle of the moon, the nor'wester, or a stomach bug but after three days of seclusion, the return to work has been nothing less than scary.

It reminded me of that awful childhood feeling of staying home sick from school and then being terrified of returning to your schoolmates because you were sure everything would have changed and you wouldn't be part of it. (Actually rereading that sounds like a whole other psychosis but now is not the time to delve).

I'm not particularly fond of the Yule season in any case but if anybody asks me what I did, the answer is that I worked on Christmas Day and saw the New Year in with a sore stomach and diarrhoea.

So the first three days of 2010 were spent house-sitting in glorious circumstances - on an island by a pool. But for island read couch; for pool read giant TV screen.

Despite feeling unwell, I tried to pretend I was on holiday through the medium of hair. Work days mean blow drying, holidays mean naturally dried bushy beach hair.

I actually thought it looked OK but on return to work a colleague said I looked like an extra off M*A*S*H who would play a nurse trying to hook up with Hawkeye.

Anyway, I should have known that my days of solitude would result in anti-social tendencies. When I'm on form, small talk, even big talk, is no problem. When I'm not, I become socially inept, even in my own company.

When moving from island to bar (couch to bathroom), I hit my foot on a coffee table and said so many cuss words that I almost kicked myself off the island.

I found myself in the limbo land of hysteria, laughing out loud at stupid things on TV and crying at equally stupid things.

Even in my dreams, I'm socially inept. Last night I dreamed I was waiting at a cafe to meet a friend's new boyfriend. He approached our table and kissed my dreamfriend hello. In turn, I walked towards him, shook his hand and also kissed him on the cheek. However, he gave me an odd look and walked past me into the coffee shop.

When I turned back to tell my friend her new boyfriend seemed rude, he was sitting at the table. It wasn't him after all, I'd kissed a stranger.

In my dream I started laughing to cover the embarrassment. I woke up laughing.

But if I'm feeling socially anxious for real, in my dreams and when I'm alone, something's not right. The medication needs adjusting or the cups of tea need to be laced.

Assuming you are reading this column on the day it was published I will be at the Kumara Races surrounded by humans (and people from the West Coast). It's going to be a freaky turnaround, a total change of pace from my poolside resort.

I'm likely to be in a better mood next week, not least because I'm off for a few days' holiday to see friends in Invercargill.

* Meanwhile my Twitter campaign is going slowly. The whole idea of social media is to be social but just now the "social" bit is freaking me out. Even Megatwitterer Stephen Fry has quit the scene, but I have not. Take the leap and join me at twitter.com/beckeleven.

- © Fairfax NZ News