Beck Eleven

North Pole revelations: inside the reindeer stable

'N ow, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer, and Vixen!

Bravery beyond belief

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

This weekend I committed an act of awesome bravery. I ate chickens' feet.

Fashion all faux pas

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

The trouble, or maybe the charm, of being a reporter is that you are expected to be an instant expert on any given subject on any given day.

A recipe for mess

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

Few things are certain in life. There is death, of course, and there is the irrefutable fact that your keys will go missing when you are in a hurry, or when you are doing something a bit naughty.

Gloves off in battle of the best veges

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

I see almost no reason to stay in the journalism game now that I'm a market gardener.

Winning by going off my scone

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

As any women's magazine or people- watching trip to Westfield Mall will tell you, you will eventually become your mother. Even if you're a boy.

Gate open to shared existence

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

I can't say I've walked through the doors of perception but I have opened a gate into another world.

My car got me evicted

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

I've bought a magic car. The naive viewer may think it looks like any other 15-year old Nissan Lucino, but this one is also a time-travelling machine.

Spinning a night on the tiles

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

What you want from an old school friends' reunion is to discover that time has been far kinder to you than the others.

This week I can expose myself as a cat burglar. I announce this new career path with both a sense of pride and shame. I've done a spot of breaking and entering - but because the thing I broke then entered was my friends' home, I'm not exactly sure of the legalities.

Hogg heaven to Hogg hell

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

Please help me. I have been enslaved. I write to you from a small annex where I am busy preparing the next meal for my Masters, the Hogg family.

Intercity disorder

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

There's been fear and self-loathing on the Intercity. I've been carless for a few months so in order to visit my friend Ruby, who now lives down Oamaru way, I had to catch a bus. Ruby, who has long held the position of everybody's secretary, booked the ticket.

After-show autographs almost a rival event

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

In case you were wondering - and I wouldn't blame you if you were - there are times where I behave in an adult manner.

Life's no walk in the park

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

This will come as no surprise to many of you but life is freakin' difficult.

Affair with my throat

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

I've always wanted to be a medical anomaly and now my big day has arrived.

Facing up to a blindspot

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

TV One made me racist. There I was, sitting innocently in a car on the side of a road, near the cul-de-sac where Christchurch gunman Shayne Sime had been shot by police. The cul-de-sac was cordoned off with police emergency tape - and wherever you find emergency tape, reporters are sure to be nearby.

101 ways to kill a granny

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

This week I discovered that my cousin Christopher and I, independently of one another, have been trying to knock off our grandmother for years.

Planning permission withdrawn

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

There was a TV show in the 1980s which I loved. It was called the A-Team. There were a lot of brilliant things in the A-Team but a main source of happiness was when the team's unflappable leader, Hannibal, regularly came out with this line: "I love it when a plan comes together."

Servitude in the blood

BECKELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

Beck is having trouble getting out of character.

Pierce your wind pond and de-stress

BECKELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

Stand back, I've just had my Wind Pond pierced.

Compassion gives us well-deserved holiday

BECKELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

Isn't it wicked that excellent old Jesus went and died on the cross so we could all get a few days holiday?

Putting tight into tights

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

Something bad happened. Really bad.

Going belly-up

BECKELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

You know the old saying, "saved by the bell"? Well, this week I have been saved by a lesser-known saying - saved by the belly button.

Great minds - and fools

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

With any luck it will be raining this evening.

Blown over and cast on the farm

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

When in Rome, do as the Romans. When on a farm, do as the sheep.

Fitness Devil sent me to Hell

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

There's a certain sinking feeling attached to the realisation you have become a drain on the Government.

Contact Beck

Beck Eleven

Whole peck of trouble

BECKELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

It was the hongi that went wrongy. In my 36 years as a pakeha, I have only twice performed a hongi. My first was four years ago and it went according to protocol.

Botox no match for children

Never has a woman felt more like Mr Potato Head. This is because I have just become a father of three small children.

Bedding down with a stranger

This week I made a common mistake practised by many people who have just gone through a relationship breakup.

The end of the road

Breakups suck don't they?

Horrors of a no-makeup day

This is a little one for the ladies. It's about makeup and handbags. Men, please look away or, at least, roll your eyes heavenward and move away from the Mainlander.

Furry fiends rule the roost

SUE BRAMWELL makes sure all is up to scratch for her cats.

A good night out ruined

BECK ELEVEN has had enough.

A relative thing

SUE BRAMWELL's dad takes matters in hand.

Bowled over by a moment of clarity

KATY CLOOK has a revelation.

In a pickle over the relish wars

We are still in the year 2007 but already the Great Relish Wars of 2008 have begun. And they will, as they do every year, get nasty.

Getting to know you

Here is my rough guide to travelling with strangers. I'm on a road trip, but I am on this trip with a stranger. My stranger is John Kirk-Anderson, a Press photographer.

Embracing the role of the voice

Chaos at The Press. Nothing to do with having a new editor who in his first week has been threatened with a contempt of court charge over the terrorism saga. Don't you worry about that – not your problem. We've got change. A new telephone system.

Girls on tour

BECK ELEVEN and friends head into small-town South Island.

A list of dumb things

We're racing headlong into List Season. List Season falls at the end of the month or the beginning of the New Year when the media hasn't got enough proper things to write about so they look back and count down some kind of mindless, unhinged list to take up space.

Without underwear, in Edgeware

Christmas and the glorious Christchurch suburb of Edgeware. For me they go together like egg and nog.

At nature's mercy

I write this with the kind of scratchy throat that makes you want to shrink yourself so you can climb inside your own neck and give it a right old itch.

Not sole mates

Who'd have suspected the simple act of walking could cause such a rift between Dave and I?

A knock to the funny bone neuron in my brain

YOU know when you knock the funny bone in your elbow and you don't know whether to laugh or cry? I think there's a funny neuron in my brain and it's been given a mighty big knock of its own.

The mouse that Beck built

I have a list of things I would like to do but will probably never be very good at. Ranking somewhere above rapping but below ninja skills on my list is the art of Being Practical.

Worming the Elevens

Last weekend, while visiting the family Eleven in Timaru, mum told me it was traditional to do tomato planting over Labour Weekend, but I think I planted another tradition.

It's my turn now, Grandma

Do you ever wake up and realise you've been manipulated by your family, friends, boyfriend, small children, a dog and a complete stranger over a seven-day period?

Real games to let off steam

Good news this week for our stolen childhoods. As we mourn the inevitable loss of Snifters and Tangy Fruits from our confectionary diets, the game that claimed a thousand collarbones is back. Yes, bullrush is set to return to a new school in Christchurch.

Faye to the rescue

I was going to write about Suffrage Day but I've just locked myself out of the house on a cold, drizzly morning, wearing nothing more than an old nightie, knee-high socks and no knickers.

The Press Headlines

RSS