Holiday thoughts of a tired mum

VICKI ANDERSON
Last updated 17:29 21/01/2013

Today is my first day back at work after summer holidays.

I'd really rather be anywhere else right now as long as I wasn't flying Jetstar to get there.

Such fun. I've spent my holidays alternatively keeping four children amused or attending music festivals.

Wherever I've been I've played a little game which involved dropping Miranda Hart-isms into as many everyday conversations as possible - ''Such fun!'', ''bear with...  bear with'', ''what I call'', ''I bloody love crisps'', ''clutch'', ''moist plinth'' and ''rude!''

Because today for me seems to be all about procrastination I thought I'd share a few moments and random observations from my holiday with you (I know, I know, it's like looking at someone's wedding photos but here you go anyway).

Happy 2013 and remember think small - Heather Small (''What have you done today to make you feel proud?''):

RANDOM THOUGHT ON A WEDNESDAY, LATE IN DECEMBER: In Hornby there is a sign I find very distracting. Every so often someone (assume someone under 50) spraypaints out the 'b' so that it reads Horny. A day or so later someone (assuming someone over 50) paints the 'b' back in. If I was boss of everything I would change the suburb name legally to become Horny just to annoy both of them.

EXPLAINING THINGS TO ELDERLY RELATIVES ON CHRISTMAS DAY: ''No, Gran, in Grand Theft Auto you only shoot the drug dealers and prostitutes.''

CHRISTMAS PRESENTS YOU CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT: ''Really, a plush quilt with a tiger on it. You shouldn't have.''

IN MY HOOD: Multiple fires, a thumper of a quake (only a 4.7? really?) and pestilence (a plague of really determined ants marching everywhere).

PLANE FOOD: Off to a festival onboard Flight From Hell (no, not Jetstar, I'm not insane) I was presented with a biscuit in a bag. I hate flying, hadn't eaten breakfast and was hungry. Hermetically sealed, I wrestled with it for a solid five minutes before Man With Comb-over in seat B punctured it theatrically with a biro. That biscuit was so hard it would have been easier on my teeth if I'd leapt out onto the wing and started gnawing the fuselage. I left the remains on my seat - I didn't want to have to carry it through customs and potentially end up on Border Patrol at some later stage.

THINGS I HAVE BROKEN OVER THE HOLIDAYS: One window (demonstrating my light sabre swing to five year olds). One light bulb (demonstrating my catch-that-spider-with-a-cup routine by poking at it with a broom handle only to miss). One glass mixing bowl (over-exuberantly grinding up Malt biscuits to make a cheesecake base).

DAYTIME TV - IT REALLY DOES SUCK: Vanilla Ice on Dancing With the Stars on Ice (no, I can't believe I watched it either. My only excuse is that it was raining).

NEW TATTOO: I love tattoos and already have a few discreetly out of sight of my corporate overlords. An extended holiday seemed like the perfect opportunity to get a new one, one that I've been mulling over for a couple of years. Waiting in the tattoo parlour I found myself in the queue behind a woman who selected a dolphin (No 36) from the wall. Obviously this dolphin was of deep personal significance (jokes). After she was branded she asked me how to spell dolphin as she was texting her friend about her new body adornment. At least she didn't get a dodecahedron.

HOW MUCH?: One Christchurch cafe charged me $7.50 for a flat white. At Hoyts Riccarton a 300ml Sprite cost $6.50. One school jersey $95.

KIM DOTCOM'S MEGA LAUNCH: Was it just me or was the opening ceremony just a rehash of Tiki Taane's NZ Music Awards police dancing routine?

X FACTOR: Or, as I call it, (E)X(crutiating) Factor. News just in - to 'make it in music' you must apparently make yourself look like Cruella de Vil and sing while making theatrical hand gestures as if you are on a) on mind altering substances b) fending off rabid wolverines. X Factor wannabes - you'll have 'made it' when you are genuinely talented and you are capable of having an original thought. PS. If you win, if NZ Idol winners are anything to go by, in five years time, if you're lucky, you might get to play Christmas in the Park. Big whoop.

THE SUPERMARKET: Never, ever, ever, go to Pak 'N Save on Wacky Wednesday. Oh, the humanity. I saw an entire family shopping in their pyjamas at 1pm. (When is someone going to open a supermarket you can drive through?)

YOU NEVER KNOW: When that random bloke you danced with in a forest full of furries at a festival is suddenly going to take a job in your office. Awkward work introduction No 549.

COMING BACK TO WORK AND FINDING 1000 UNOPENED EMAILS THAT ALL READ LIKE THIS:

''Hi, my name is Jamie, I'm not a guy, it's Jamie like Ridge. I'm not Jamie Ridge btw. I guess you wrote that horrible review about Jimmy Barnes that was on Stuff. It didn't have a name but it sounded like something stupid you would write. I love Barnesy and I think you were mean to him. He is a classic musical storyteller.Sure he has an off day at work like everybody else now and then but you should just leave him alone. I was at the gig and it felt like he was just singing to me. It gave me goose bumps.The man has had a heart problem FFS so leave him alone.'' (Dear Jamie who may or may not be Jamie Ridge - I didn't write the review).

- © Fairfax NZ News

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