Columnists
Asking too much of animals
Have you ever wanted to have sex with a rabbit or any other small woodland type creature, asks BECK ELEVEN.
Sex licence test ticks right boxes
It's truly laudable the Government is offering free contraception to women on welfare, writes MARTIN VAN BEYNEN.
Alert the authorities: cheeky granny texter
BECK ELEVEN's cheeky 93-year-old Grandma has a mobile phone and has learnt to send text messages.
Bumping against well-meant suggestions
MARTIN VAN BEYNEN'S family is a particularly prolific and confident source of column ideas.
You go your way and I'll go mine
MARTIN VAN BEYNEN doesn't really mind what people choose to believe in as a personal faith.
Time to exit after some feline strife
When house and pet-sitting, BECK ELEVEN says there are only two truly important rules to adhere to.
The Mutiny of the Body
OPINION: My Saturday began with a conversation. Here's an approximate transcript.
Instant cameras surround our inner demons
OPINION: Yet another danger to the social status and reputation of normal adults in modern society has come to notice in the last couple of weeks.
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A bad hair day can make you curl up
OPINION: The trouble with hair is that beyond the age of, say, 5, you need someone other than your mother to cut it. Finding that person is not easy.
Biffo on the bike track
BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News
OPINION: Sport-inclined males are prone to hormonal attacks at times, writes Beck Eleven.
The battle for home cooking glory
MARTIN VAN BEYNEN - © Fairfax NZ News
OPINION: MARTIN VAN BEYNEN cooks off against his wife for the title of Domestic MasterChef.
It's easier to stop smoking than racism
OPINION: When the summer is bad in Auckland we sure hear a lot about it. When the rugby starts to go awry in Auckland we also hear a lot about it.
Grass always greener on the other side
OPINION: It was such a fine and sunny weekend, without a breath of wind, that a trip to the country was essential.
Bedfellows united
OPINION: Over the years I've spent little time in bed with Jim Anderton. But now I'd like to pull back the sheet, hop in and snuggle up.
Harre move lays down Greens' test for Labour
OPINION: The appointment of Laila Harre as the Green Party's Auckland-based issues director should be sending shivers down David Shearer's spine.
Itchy, scratchy, shaky show distracts us
JANE BOWRON - © Fairfax NZ News
Forget Lotto and the $26.2 million man: we have new, free scratchies that leave raised welts, caused by the notorious red zone mosquito.
Beware the frapes of wrath
BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News
In BECK ELEVEN'S circle of friends, there has been a great deal of fraping lately.
It'll be all white on the Right
MARTIN VAN BEYNEN - © Fairfax NZ News
I am not saying there is anything wrong with being brown or black-skinned but neither is there anything wrong with being white, writes MARTIN VAN BEYNEN.
Run from a dinosaur's glad eye
OPINION: I can't help it. I'm drawn to all news of the indomitable Dominique Strauss-Kahn like a moth to a blowtorch.
Red sky at morning, all dogs take warning
Here's a horror story to cheer you up. The ingredients: love, dawn, a thoughtless bastard of a fisherman and a happy ending.
Woman sentenced for kidnap attempt
Councillors 'must do more' to stop demolition
HIV damage 'could have killed' Charlene
Health boss pictured drinking from beer bong
Treasured tram restored by Cantabrians
Dishwasher causes Sumner house fire
Mt Hutt turns on snow-making guns
Record profit for retirement village operator
Historic Plunket building could go
No alternative yet for Rangiora's district court
Councillors 'must do more' to stop demolition
Dishwasher causes Sumner house fire
More buildings demolished in centre
Health boss pictured drinking from beer bong
Botanic Gardens tea kiosk closed
Councillors 'must do more' to stop demolition
Officer quits after theft investigation
Health boss pictured drinking from beer bong
Bad report card for class-size increase