Columnists

Asking too much of animals

beckeleven-thumb.jpg

Have you ever wanted to have sex with a rabbit or any other small woodland type creature, asks BECK ELEVEN.

Sex licence test ticks right boxes

Martin van Beynen

It's truly laudable the Government is offering free contraception to women on welfare, writes MARTIN VAN BEYNEN.

Alert the authorities: cheeky granny texter

Beck Eleven

BECK ELEVEN's cheeky 93-year-old Grandma has a mobile phone and has learnt to send text messages.

Bumping against well-meant suggestions

Martin van Beynen

MARTIN VAN BEYNEN'S family is a particularly prolific and confident source of column ideas.

You go your way and I'll go mine

Martin van Beynen

MARTIN VAN BEYNEN doesn't really mind what people choose to believe in as a personal faith.

Time to exit after some feline strife

Beck Eleven

When house and pet-sitting, BECK ELEVEN says there are only two truly important rules to adhere to.

The Mutiny of the Body

joe

OPINION: My Saturday began with a conversation. Here's an approximate transcript.

Instant cameras surround our inner demons

Martin van Beynen

OPINION: Yet another danger to the social status and reputation of normal adults in modern society has come to notice in the last couple of weeks.

A bad hair day can make you curl up

Beck Eleven

OPINION: The trouble with hair is that beyond the age of, say, 5, you need someone other than your mother to cut it. Finding that person is not easy.

Biffo on the bike track

Beck Eleven

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

OPINION: Sport-inclined males are prone to hormonal attacks at times, writes Beck Eleven.

The battle for home cooking glory

Martin van Beynen

MARTIN VAN BEYNEN - © Fairfax NZ News

OPINION: MARTIN VAN BEYNEN cooks off against his wife for the title of Domestic MasterChef.

It's easier to stop smoking than racism

Pat Lam

OPINION: When the summer is bad in Auckland we sure hear a lot about it. When the rugby starts to go awry in Auckland we also hear a lot about it.

Grass always greener on the other side

rose

OPINION: It was such a fine and sunny weekend, without a breath of wind, that a trip to the country was essential.

Bedfellows united

timber

OPINION: Over the years I've spent little time in bed with Jim Anderton. But now I'd like to pull back the sheet, hop in and snuggle up.

Harre move lays down Greens' test for Labour

Laila Harre

OPINION: The appointment of Laila Harre as the Green Party's Auckland-based issues director should be sending shivers down David Shearer's spine.

Itchy, scratchy, shaky show distracts us

  	 mosquito

JANE BOWRON - © Fairfax NZ News

Forget Lotto and the $26.2 million man: we have new, free scratchies that leave raised welts, caused by the notorious red zone mosquito.

Beware the frapes of wrath

Beck Eleven

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

In BECK ELEVEN'S circle of friends, there has been a great deal of fraping lately.

It'll be all white on the Right

Martin van Beynen

MARTIN VAN BEYNEN - © Fairfax NZ News

I am not saying there is anything wrong with being brown or black-skinned but neither is there anything wrong with being white, writes MARTIN VAN BEYNEN.

Run from a dinosaur's glad eye

dsk

OPINION: I can't help it. I'm drawn to all news of the indomitable Dominique Strauss-Kahn like a moth to a blowtorch.

Red sky at morning, all dogs take warning

joe

Here's a horror story to cheer you up. The ingredients: love, dawn, a thoughtless bastard of a fisherman and a happy ending.

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