OPINION: Thanks Canterbury Cricket for inviting us to make this presentation.
You've told us you want to attract more people to your T20 matches. We've focus-grouped and phone-polled Canterbury cricket fans, door-knocked them at dinner- time and clipboarded them in the street, and the results are here in this attractive pie-chart.
As you can see, when asked to name the one factor that most encourages them to attend cricket matches, 94 per cent of respondents answered "the cricket". Three percent answered "the beer", two percent answered "the streakers" and one percent answered "the uniforms".
These answers are complex and nuanced - which is why you've made a smart decision to pay us to interpret them. We've had our brains trust pull apart the data and, after a lot of billable hours, we think the answer is actually quite straightforward.
You need to change the colour of the team's uniform.
Red and black, red and black, what is it with red and black? Yes, it's traditional. Yes, Canterbury people identify with those colours. Yes, there is a long record of successful Canterbury sports teams wearing the red and the black. But apart from that, what?
Look at the Crusaders. Look at the Crusaders' fans waving their red and black flags and jumping up and down. Do you want your fans to act like that? Oh, sure, they may look excited but trust us, they're a passionless people just going through the motions.
Now look at this PowerPoint. This is the bold new vision for your T20 team's colours. That's right, purple and gold. You won't know this but purple and gold are all the rage in Ponsonby's fashionable salons. They're the new Resene Tea. And you know what's really fabulous about purple and gold? They have no connection to Canterbury whatsoever!
Wait, though, there's more. We don't just want you to change the team's colours. That would be superficial. There needs to be deeper, meaningful change. That's right, we're talking about a whole new name.
Don't worry, there's a precedent. Look at your netball team. Remember when they were the Flames. Ugh. That whole red and black thing again. But now they're the Tactix. Inspirational! Say it now, roll it around in your mouth like a - well, like a Tic Tac. Fresh! Minty! And look how their performance has changed. From having a whole lot of success behind them, they now have a whole lot of success in front of them. Somewhere.
So the Wizards name has to go. I mean, what does that suggest? A man on a stepladder? A boy with a scar? A gay icon banging his stick and shouting "You shall not pass!" This just won't do.
Look, here's a name we think will really fly. "The Kings". Just think of the connotations. Majesty. Superiority. Born-to-rule entitlement. What could possibly go wrong?
I can see you're all excited, so let's wrap this up now and look forward together to a glorious new era of sell-out T20 matches. You might call it a purple patch!
As a backup plan, though, if it's your budget you're worried about, you can always change your name to "Team New Zealand", threaten to disband, put on a passive- aggressive pout and wait until the government gives you millions of dollars. That usually works.
- The Press
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