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A localised gravitational anomaly

ANDREW GUNN
Last updated 10:14 12/07/2014
golf ball
sloping floor

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OPINION: With all due acknowledgement to Monty Python, who perform for the very last time next week.

Homeowner: Hello, is that the EQC? I wish to register a complaint.

EQC Man: We're closing for lunch.

Homeowner: Never mind that my lad. I wish to complain about this floor of mine that you inspected not six months ago here in my very living room.

EQC Man: Oh. What's, uh, what's wrong with it?

Homeowner: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's sloping, that's what's wrong with it.

EQC Man: No, no, it's uh ... it's completely level.

Homeowner: Look matey - I know a sloping floor when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

EQC Man: No, no, it's not sloping, it's level. Remarkable floor that, it's solid Norwegian radiata build for the rugged extremes of the Norwegian outdoors.

Homeowner: You mean?

EQC Man: Yes, it's pine and for the fjords. Beautiful stain on it.

Homeowner: The stain doesn't enter into it. It's sloping.

EQC Man: No no! It's level. Remember, I put my iPad down on it, and it didn't slide away at all.

Homeowner: You were standing on it!

EQC Man: I never!

Homeowner: All right then if it's level I'm going to put a golf ball on it right now and, and ... and it's rolling into the corner! It's rolling into the corner! What do you say to that? Hello?

EQC: I think you'll find that's due to a localised gravitational anomaly.

Homeowner: Now look mate, I've definitely had enough of this. That floor is definitely sloping and when you inspected it not half a year ago you assured me that its total lack of levelness was due to a trick of the light.

EQC Man: It's level!

Homeowner: It is not level, it is sloping. It is tilted. It is pitched. It is askew. It has ceased to be horizontal. It is asymmetrically canted. It has water run-off. It has a pleasing northern elevation. It is acclivous in one direction and declivous in the other. This is an ex-level floor!

EQC Man: Well we'd better replace it then, and the piles ... Oh. Sorry squire, I've just checked and, uh, we're right out of floors.

Homeowner: I see, I see, I get the picture.

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EQC Man: I've got a rug.

Homeowner: A rug. Pray, is it level?

EQC Man: Nnnnot really ...

Homeowner: Well it's hardly a bloody replacement is it!

EQC Man: I, I guess not.

Homeowner: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any more as I think this is getting too silly. I hardly expected this from a qualified surveyor.

EQC Man: I'm not a qualified surveyor. I'm a former Queensland police officer. I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be ... a lumberjack!

- The Press

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