Do you have a loopy problem? Call Paula!

ANDREW GUNN
Last updated 15:13 26/07/2014

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OPINION: Hi everyone it's me! Paula Bennett, the Westie who's your bestie - and proud of it!

Hey, I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it. I've just announced my new Rules Reduction Taskforce. Do you know how many loopy regulations and silly red tape there are that stop people from just getting on with living in their house? Heaps! And I'm going to do something to fix it - because everywhere I go it's the No. 1 problem that people are talking about!

Like last week when I was in South Auckland. I met an extended family of 11 living in a three- bedroom house. I said "Only three bedrooms - that's just loopy!" It turned out there was some crazy bureaucratic rule about not using your laundry for sleeping in. So I went straight down to the local council and told them that sort of red tape had to go. And now in that house there's an extra stretcher- bed right by the Persil. Sorted!

Then I got on my Harley and rode cross-town to Blockhouse Bay where I met a young couple who were looking to buy their first house. They told me the way prices are they could afford to buy only a garage. So off to the council I trotted again, and I told them "Don't give me this malarkey about subdividing and minimum section size - if these people want to buy a garage to live in then let them!" And guess what - now they do! Score!

Before that I was in Dunedin and I met a met a young mum who told me her house was freezing cold in winter because she couldn't afford to pay her electricity bills. "That's ridiculous" I told her. "How did that ever happen?"

And then I was off like a shot to the local council again where I cut a mad dash through some more red tape and hey presto! Now she's free to knock a hole in her living room ceiling and burn her furniture in the middle of the floor. And with the budgeting skills I've introduced she'll be able to make a dining table and chairs last the whole winter.

And what about Christchurch? Poor, poor Christchurch. I talked to an elderly gent there who was all worked up. His house was falling to bits, he said and the insurance companies were still mucking him around after three years! Couldn't the Government do something to help? I said sure! We can't have your home falling to bits - that's just loopy!

So I gave him all the red tape I'd saved up and told him to wrap it round the house. That'll hold it together - at least until the election. Sorted!

Gosh I'm on a roll. Stand by for my next announcement - encouraging mums on the DPB to make themselves useful by ringing up lonely people and chatting with them. It's called Friends With Benefits. Until then, see ya!

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- The Press

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