Why PM really is a ... star
In the wake of a Unicef report revealing that child poverty in New Zealand remains at the "Absolutely Fecking Disgraceful" level the Government has moved swiftly to address the issue of what colours and shapes should be displayed on a prominent rectangle.
Responding to the report, which details how 18 per cent of New Zealand children continue to live in poverty despite New Zealand having had 30 years of various shades of economic neo-liberalism under successive governments and Godknows how many years before that as one of the wealthiest countries on Earth, the prime minister confirmed that a panel of respected New Zealanders would be appointed to choose a variety of pleasing shapes and colours.
"This has always been a complex issue to grapple with" Mr Key stated. "But it's time to face up to the fact that the present situation is intolerable. I don't claim to have all the answers. Some people like stars on their rectangle. Some people like stripes. Some people like the outline of native plants.
"But I think that in their hearts, most New Zealanders believe that allowing poorly-designed rectangles to go on unchecked is unacceptable. They know how vitally important the choice of colours and shapes can be to people's well-being, which is clearly evidenced by the number of room challenges that Alex and Corban have won on The Block NZ.
"That is why we will be bringing together some of New Zealand's greatest minds - representatives from all walks of life and points of view - to debate this matter and help sort it out once and for all. Because it's not like there's some other problem they could all be working on."
Once the panel has selected a shortlist of eye-catching rectangular designs, the winner will be decided by two public referenda to be voted on by all New Zealanders, in order to ensure no- one is left disadvantaged.
While Social Development Minister Anne Tolley, fresh from an unsuccessful attempt to organise a casual drinking event in a brewery, confirmed that the Government did not have a specific target for ending child poverty because hey, whatever, the prime minister was adamant that a consensus on the pretty shapes and colours would be reached within two years.
"All New Zealanders deserve access to a well-designed rectangle that they can be proud of. It is, actually, nothing less than the benchmark against which a decent and civilised democracy will be judged. That is why I, my cabinet and my autobiographer agree that this issue must be resolved in the current term of this administration.
"Besides, I certainly can't think of a better thing to spend $25.7 million on."
Asked for comment on the issue, 8-year-old schoolboy Darcy Billington, speaking from a mould- encrusted sleepout in Mangere, said he really didn't have any strong views on the colour or shapes on the rectangle, as long as it didn't taste too bad.