OPINION: I am once again living with my cousin and his fiancee, which means, among other things, sharing a bathroom.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

We're exactly a fortnight into the new year and already things are desperately falling apart.

Given Wanaka was this week threatened by an intense bushfire, I need to begin this column with what is commonly known as "the Billy Joel defence".

I see no reason not to round out the year by wading into something I know very little about. Kwanzaa.

I've been sick this week, which means I've spent a lot of time in front of the telly and nothing I saw stuck in my mind as much as that advertisement for cubed cheese. Cubed cheese has heralded a new low in consumables. I think the last one was canned chicken.

Brookie is 4 years old. She has been talking for about half her life. Of that half, I estimate 87 per cent of that time has been spent asking questions.

OPINION: We all get sick of our jobs sometimes. Whether you're a checkout chick, a drug baron or a reporter, the daily grind will get you down.

I lost a vital organ recently. I felt gravely ill but through sheer resilience and grit I managed to survive for three hours until my vital organ was returned to my body.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

My mum, who is slightly more prudish than I, walks in to Grandma's house.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

So I'm a mountainbiker now. It's a new hobby and I suppose it will eventually go the same way as Brownies, rock climbing, boxing and floristry but right now - after exactly one try - I am officially a mountainbiker and it feels good.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

In the interests of transparency, I will admit to engaging in high risk behaviour of late.

Beck Eleven ponders the vast array of chemicals she daubs over her body every day.

BECK ELEVEN - © Fairfax NZ News

In last week's column I took pains to explain the paleogeographical nature of the formation of the continents. This week I see no reason not to continue explaining things I know nothing about.

In my imagination, when there is proper research to be done, I walk up to a library desk. The person behind it wears lace-up shoes that barely make a noise as I am guided past rows of neat shelving.

It seems to me a person has very little control over which memories fade and which memories refuse to do so, says Beck Eleven.

As I stood in the kitchen, looking out the window, eating a cold sausage, I realised snow had the power to mess with widely accepted but unwritten food rules.

Beck Elven ponders how it was she came to be turned into a coffee table.

I see that come Monday, changes to the licensing system will raise the age that people can get their learner's licence from 15 to 16.

Only a person who has tried snowboarding for the first time can know the true condition of Beck Elven's precious, precious buttocks.

When numbers become names, Beck Eleven will be ahead of the game.