Asking too much of animals
Indulge me in a matter that has bothered me for some time. Take a deep breath and prepare to be honest with yourself. After all, no-one's going to know the truth if you let the answer stay in your head.
Have you ever wanted to have sex with a rabbit or any other small woodland type creature?
For the sake of my sanity, I am going to assume you answered with a resounding "no".
Then why on God's green earth do we sexualise the bunny?
Last month, Playboy bunny Sheridyn Fisher was part of an advertising campaign for Peta (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) in which she dressed in a lettuce bikini to persuade people to choose a vegetarian lifestyle and respect animals.
Not only are her twin charms encased in rabbit food, she also holds the perky leaves of a cos lettuce on her head, creating the effect of bunny's ears. The tagline is "Be a Bunny's honey - go vegetarian".
It's all just so meta. A Playboy bunny dressed as a salad, dressed as a rabbit. A human meat product, wrapped in lettuce leaves made out to look like a casserole ingredient.
I can't think about it any longer or my head will explode.
For the sake of balance, I did find one guy who truly sexualised the rabbit. Back in 2005, a Kiwi (the shame) living in Australia (thank goodness) was jailed for his torture, mutilation, and alleged sexual offences against 17 rabbits (and one guinea pig).
According to one newspaper, the charge of bestiality was dropped because prosecutors were unable to prove the exact method of penetration.
The psychiatric report said the man's interest in nature, bird-watching and mysticism became distorted by amphetamine use. Please, if you find yourself becoming that interested in nature, step away from the crack pipe.
Apart from that little stray into real rabbits and the murky world of bestiality, both men and women seem to sexualise small creatures.
The choice of animal could have been bigger if Hugh Hefner had called Playboy magazine Stag Party as he had originally intended six decades ago. The man who designed the bunny logo spoke to a designers' conference earlier this year.
"If the magazine had ended up being called Stag Party, I wouldn't be here," he said.
"Particularly when you think about the clubs. It's difficult to imagine waitresses with antlers on their heads."
Yes, it is difficult to imagine sexualising the stag.
I went to something called a "Satisfaction Party" last year - an in-home sex toy party. Sort of like a Tupperware party but the plastic is for a different use entirely.
The products didn't shock me, it was more the fact they all seemed to be shaped like animals.
You could get a rabbit, something called the "swan rabbit", a dolphin, a strap-on butterfly and, lest we forget the domestic cat, you can also buy "purr" lubricating gel.
I'm certainly not advocating a throw-out of all your fun.
I'm just asking why sex with an animal is so repugnant, yet we're happy to ogle a woman dressed as a rabbit or have an orgasm to a battery-powered one?
Of course, I must point out that some of my best friends are part animal. Just recently one became part cow. Sure, she's only one part bovine to more than a million parts human, but there can be no denying that a disgusting abscess in her gob was cured by cow collagen.
I have another good mate who is part lamb, the oesophagus I think. I daren't ask to double check, he gets kind of sensitive when you "'baa" at him. Nonetheless, the argument for animals to become one with humans is quite strong in both these cases.
And where does the Easter Bunny fit into all this? I think I'll leave that for another time.
- The Press