What next? Cam to my knicker drawer

19:22, Sep 30 2012

I feel like it's been such an awfully long time since I've written about my knickers or the buttocks they attempt to encase, but no matter what strange and unusual things have been going on in the corridors of power or the lines of fault, one must always keep a sense of self.

And so, regular readers, you have probably been wondering what the hell is happening in my undie arena. Do not panic. I have been contacted by Google and they have a solution in the pipeline.

Google turned 14 this week and continued its rule over the cyber waves with the launch of an underwater edition of Street View maps. Street View allows people to choose almost any point on a map and take a virtual tour of the neighbourhood with creepily detailed 360-degree, street-level imagery. It's really very cool. It means I can see my old house in Battersea, London. Even "walk" past a Dallas Chicken'n'Ribs joint I frequented far too often after jumping off the bus in Streatham.

Now Google have launched an aquatic version of Street View with cutting-edge seafloor mapping so we can leave the bikini at the back of the drawer and explore Australia's Great Barrier Reef, Molokini Crater and Hanauma Bay in Hawaii from our beds.

So with this amazing technology already in hand, it's only a matter of time and good taste before we can explore whatever we dangwell please, all at the click of a mouse.

In a matter of weeks, Google will be launching Knicker Drawer Cam so we can all keep up to date with the state of my gruts.


Of course, when a friend visits, you like to clean the house so it seemed only natural that I ought to tidy my knicker drawer for my cyber visitors.

With this in mind, I decided some of the earlier models needed to become dust rags, which left a void, so I went shopping for some upgrades. I was glad Google Undie Cam hadn't extended to Ballantynes Cam because the trip had a few shortcomings. There I was, wombling away through the array of jockeys when the Consultant Underwear Technician posed the ubiquitous question: "Can I help you?"

"No," I said. "I'm fine, just looking."

Now, either I looked incapable of coming to the correct conclusion about knickers, or I had the air of a shoplifter, because that woman watched me like someone who was terrified she'd never find me on Knicker Drawer Cam in the future.

I had neither the bank balance nor the patience to look for nice knickers, I just wanted something that fitted, so I went for ones similar to what I was wearing. They came in a twin pack.

Then a voice from behind me sounded: 'They're a great deal. And you get one in each colour.'

If I'm honest, it's kind of humiliating to be rifling through the big knickers - which are always on the bottom rung and near the back - while someone whose help or opinion you never wanted, watches you choose.

Even worse, I didn't want one in each colour, I wanted them both the same and I didn't think it was "a great deal" either. I thought it was kind of expensive.

So, as my face turned the colour of the maroon pair, I went to the counter, made the most of this "great deal" and purchased the twin set of undies. They currently reside in my drawer along with all the other knickers I've written about over the years.

Google's Knicker Drawer Cam can't be too far away, so please be patient.

Other things I would be keen for Google to investigate visually would be a series of foods so I can be sure of their quality. For instance, Avocado Cam will be priceless come guacamole season, Banana Cam will capture the bruises as they start so there will be no need for the battered sections to be spat out in lunchboxes in schools over town and Steak Cam will stop my tendency to overcook.

The Press