All of a sudden summer is hair
Summer is a creeper. One minute you're minding your own business, covering the problem areas in layers of clothing and not giving two hoots about spiky leg prickles, when all of a sudden it's time to bare one's alabaster pins.
Never mind getting your own head around the sight - it's shocking for everyone else.
As we slide headlong into summer, pigmentation is not the only concern. Have you any clue how many hairs a body hosts?
I have no idea what poor sod had to count them, but the internet tells me there is an average of 100,000 hair follicles on a human head (blondes have the most, then brunettes followed by red heads) and each day we lose 60 to 100 strands.
However, the head is a barren wasteland compared to the body as a whole. An average body has about five million hair follicles; some are more bountiful than others - any trip to the Hanmer hot pools will tell you that.
Considering what it feels like to have many of these areas waxed, I'd say five million is a gross underestimation.
The onset of summer means most people are saving up for holidays and Christmas presents. Women save up hair. It's all about timing. As early as November, a lady must set her eye upon smooth skin for the Christmas/new year period.
This means you must make bookings with waxing specialists.
The woman who waxes my netherworld tells me a woman ought to get rid of everything - I think you know what I'm talking about.
She calls a certain area "the spider". Now you can cite me all the feminist literature you like, plus warn me about the dangers of having hair pulled from regions God surely did not intend, but when my beautician dips her stick into the wax pool, the spider is going to be a full amputee.
Anyway, arachnid invasions aside, you cannot get a decent wax job if you start with stubble.
I cannot do maths to save myself but I can calculate, with impeccable timing, when I need to make appointments to have my hair cut and dyed, my eyelashes done and my nethers waxed to achieve maximum grooming for the festive season.
In winter, my greatest complaint is the covering of legs with tights, stockings or leggings. I had a look at past columns and realised it's been a bugbear of mine since the early days.
I recall frenetic dancing to squeeze into tights, a mixture of crumping and the foxtrot. The higher the dernier, the more furiously you have to dance. The end result is the appearance of a pair of overstuffed economy sausages and the knowledge you've displaced several internal organs.
Anyway, courtesy of me, here are a few tips for losing weight going into the season of overindulgence:
1. Spill drinks. Most people see this as a gross mistake but while it will earn you a terrible reputation as an unco-ordinated drunk, you will save yourself thousands of empty calories.
2. Do not eat sesame seeds or other seed-like toppings. Give them a quick brush and a shake on their way to the mouth.
3. Do not panic about "breaking the seal". Attending the bathroom often is an ideal way to keep moving and burn calories.
4. Be helpful. Offering to hand around a plate of snacks counts as a fitness regime.
5. Wear tights. It won't be comfortable, it won't look seasonal but it will keep your belly in check and remind you that summer may be here but winter is just around the corner and the seasonal cycle is about to start again.