Science also wasted on the masters

BECK ELEVEN
Last updated 09:23 07/12/2013

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Science and maths are ruining everything. I knew it. The ratings of New Zealand high school pupils in science, technology, engineering and mathematics have taken a dive on an international league table. So the Association of Scientists spoke out, reckoning Kiwi kids will miss out on highly-paid jobs due to their low performance in these subjects. Actually, scientists don't reckon, they know.

Maths and science are somewhat wasted on me. Science, it seems is also wasted on Conservative Leader Colin Craig who, along with his interesting stance on chemtrails, has also revealed himself to be a moon-landing agnostic. He just needs proof, proper proof.

And as someone on Twitter said about that yesterday: "I'm with Colin. How can anyone land on the moon when it's made of cheese?"

Numbers are good for some things, I suppose. Census figures will be used to improve services, councils and businesses.

By far the best use of numbers is that counting in your head is good for ridding yourself of stage fright in the bathroom. Kind of like counting sheep is supposed to numb the brain to sleep, apparently the brain uses the same centre for counting as it does to pee so if you're stuck, have a little count. If you're concentrating on one, you're relaxed about the other.

It's likely someone studied science to come up with that invaluable gem.

So, science. Even the word sounds evil. Oh sure, there's the worthy stuff like curing terminal disease and easing a distracting hay-fever nostril but how much fun can there be in watching a mouse romp round with an ear stitched on its back?

There's a new study popping up every week that is presumably done by some scientist or another.

Since cocaine is in the news - Nigella Lawson's having a go at it, Toronto mayor Rob Ford's giving it a decent sniff - we might look at a recent study that tries to say that Oreo cookies are more addictive than cocaine. I'd like to see Nigella "off her head" on Oreos.

Anyway, the purpose of this particular study was to look at the potential addictiveness of high-fat and high-sugar foods. Scientists threw some rats in a cage with Oreos and rice cakes and found the Oreos were better subscribed.

Then they did the same with cocaine and morphine. The rats were more into the Oreos.

Then again, perhaps the rats were just depressed. You can pick up any study that will say comfort eating is a sign of mental health issues.

Last week an American study picked up the issue of mental health and sex. It shows a cyclical relationship between casual sex and mental health - poor mental health equals more casual sex, which leads to more mental health problems.

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The difference between genders is another study that will keep scientists busy for generations to come.

Brain scans from a study released last month show women have a better connectivity between the left and right sides of the brain while the connections in men were mostly confined to individual hemispheres. The result: Women are better at multi-tasking. Remember, someone was paid to study that.

In other studies to do with gender, men prefer red cars and women like silver.

Bugger me. The world of science is fascinating isn't it? And do pardon my language. It's as if I'm from Ohio. Science also revealed Americans in the state of Ohio swear more so if you're offended by a cussword or two, head to Arizona.

So, kids, this should all explain the vital role that maths and science plays in the future of humanity. Although we're all still waiting to find out which comes first, the chicken or the egg?

- The Press

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