Joe Bennett

Hanmer hot pool revelations prove an eye-opener

hanmer springs

OPINION: Feeling in need of a cure I took myself off to Hanmer Springs. I wanted waters warmed by the Earth's core to lave me of that perilous stuff that weighs upon the heart, stuff that can overwhelm a man at this time of the year.

Wrestling with mucus on a Monday

Joe Bennett

OPINION: Monday morning, stonking hangover, howling wind, horizontal rain, a to-do list as long as a novel, and a bureaucracy to deal with.

Many happy memories from cricket

cricket ball

OPINION: At half six every morning my alarm clock sounds.

Frankly, I feel sorry for the giraffe

Giraffe

On the same day as a giraffe joined the search for a solo sailor it was announced that a couple of Earth-like planets had been spotted in the Milky Way.

A garage soon becomes a crud depository

piles of junk

OPINION: Much have I travelled in the realms of crud, and many cruddy states and kingdoms seen, but never have I seen such epic heaps of crud as yesterday, when I cleaned out my garage.

Brad Pitt keeps Chinese happy

brad pitt

How good to see China bullying Brad Pitt.

Adrift from the tech train

Joe Bennett

OPINION: The child was lying on a rug. Its fingers, chubby with puppy fat, were scrolling through images on an iPad.

'I'm just watching the test match'

Peter Fulton

OPINION: "You're an addict," said the voice. "A hopeless, feeble addict, barren of purpose, curled on the sofa with the curtains drawn."

A blessing on public transport

Joe Bennett

OPINION: The new Pope seems nice. Apparently he likes to go to work by bus. How good it would be if all leaders did.

Such great support for sugar police

Press Quiz, candy strap

OPINION: I'll admit to nerves. When I called last week for the formation of a sugar police, I was afraid I was speaking too soon, that the world was not yet ready for what I had to say. Such is often the fate of prophets.

Beat the diabetes epidemic with sugar cops

cake

OPINION: People in power are fond of saying that there is no alternative to what they propose. They are normally wrong.

Commentators impress with self-restraint

england cricket

OPINION: It's summer as summer ought to be, summer as we remember it. And it's the start of the rugby season.

Gravy train derailed over meaning of meteor

joe bennett

OPINION: An amazing thing happened in Switzerland last weekend during the annual Peace and Light Symposium. This inter-faith conference, renowned for its catering, had attracted leaders from every major belief system.

Horsemeat - fine by French, foul for British

joe bennett

OPINION: What's the difference between a horse and a cow? No idea? Well, I wouldn't send you to place a bet.

Charter this school, sucker

joe bennett

OPINION: This column has many children. We are so philoprogenitive, we can almost spell it. Last year, the Vatican sent us a gold-embossed commendation for our contribution to over-population.

Doctors' wild dance with death

Joe Bennett column for Southland Times

OPINION: How lovely it must be to stride through the crowd at the scene of an accident bellowing, "Make way, I'm a doctor." I long to do it.

Get your lardy-arse off the sofa

Lance Armstrong

OPINION: If the world would stop watching sport there would be no wealth and glory to tempt the likes of Lance Armstrong.

Evolution favours the fearful

Joe Bennett

I suspect we all admire the qualities we lack. I admire courage. Because I have none, I thrill to it in others, and I cleave to people who display it.

Surveillance drones 'welcome in Lyttelton'

Drone

OPINION: This country is woefully undersurveilled. It's only by good luck that in my 25 years here I have hardly been robbed, mugged, beaten, raped or murdered at all.

The world from my back door

Mosquito

OPINION: A mosquito, an infinitesimal scrap of flesh, unnerves me, a beast a billion times its size.

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