Joe Bennett

How to blow half-a-million in one easy lesson

joe

This is the story of a half-million-dollar remark. I don't know whether it has a moral.

I'm a 'winner' but others aren't

joe

In August, two goons marched up the drive and slapped a sticker on my house.

The people are singing

joe

Since a cross-dressing Bulgarian came to live under my roof, I've become used to having my underpants ironed.

Sop story misses the point

Protest

JOE BENNETT - © Fairfax NZ News

When pursued by a mob, you have a few options.

L'Oreal man: because 'he's worth it'

Tony Marryatt

OPINION: Joe Bennett says council has lost sight of its purpose: to serve the people with honesty and humility.

Food police may come a'knocking

Joe Bennett

Several alarmed readers have written to alarm me.

Jean-Paul didn't get out enough

Joe Bennett

Jean-Paul Sartre was dull and wrong. This will not come as news to anyone who's sat through one of his plays.

The Crushett Cottage circus

Bennett

© Fairfax NZ News

Crushett Cottage The Valley of Doom Lyttelton Yoohoo, Mayor Parker, it's me, Bulgarian Angela, from deep among the private dicks.

Silliness Mr Democracy won't admit

Authorities hate it when anything defies their schemes and rules and protocols.

Some bite to nature's wonders

The West Coast is a picture postcard of glaciers and snowy peaks and beech forest. But sandflies bugger it up.

Cross-dressing hitman deflects council

'Stay exactly where you are," said Angela to a pair of buttocks.

Champing at the bit to bite the legs of the dark prince of etc

JOE BENNETT - © Fairfax NZ News

The difficulty, of course, as one struts the fragile crust between the molten core of the planet and the ephemeral blue of the sky, does not lie in knowing what to be angry about.

Lyttelton home 'too dangerous'

Joe Bennett

OPINION: Press columnist Joe Bennett is refusing to leave his red-stickered Lyttelton home.

Rude awakening for 'Greasy'

JOE BENNETT - © Fairfax NZ News

There had been a party in the student house. The chief party beast, known to his flatmates as Greasy, lay where he'd fallen when the booze ran out.

Scent of mall on the breeze

JOE BENNETT - © Fairfax NZ News

Heigh-ho and this is the life, high on a hill that I'm not meant to climb, smoking a smoke and absorbing the sun and awaiting a dog.

What is there to look forward to after winning the cup?

JOE BENNETT - © Fairfax NZ News

It's at times like this that I find myself thinking fondly of pethidine. I've only had pethidine the once - to ease the pain of an injury acquired playing cricket - and it was simply wonderful.

Bulgarian hit man notices killing to be made from ABs

JOE BENNETT - © Fairfax NZ News

When I'm enthroned on the sofa with a glass of shiraz and a World Cup semifinal to watch, the dog has the sense to keep quiet. Not so Angela, the Bulgarian hit man. He insists on asking idiot questions.

A loss beyond price - of geniality, laughter, sunshine, character

JOE BENNETT - © Fairfax NZ News

Schools don't shape character. I can't tell you what does, but I do know that schools don't.

Calm Kiwis needed

JOE BENNETT - © Fairfax NZ News

Television channels interrupted their schedules last night to screen an address from the Prime Minister. Speaking from an undisclosed location he appealed for calm.

Let there be something faster than light (and Einstein)

I was just reading an article entitled "Boffins bugger Einstein" when the phone rang.

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