Sex licence test that ticks all the right boxes

Martin van Beynen
Martin van Beynen

It's truly laudable the Government is clamping down on pregnancies among dependent New Zealanders by offering free contraception to women on welfare.

Namby pambies will see the move as some sort of sinister social engineering project to stop the underclass breeding, but I think it could go a bit further.

The best and cheapest contraceptive is "no" and I would like to see the administration make it illegal for people who cannot support children to have sex at all unless they have a licence to have safe and non-procreative sex.

Licence holders will have to show proficiency in the use of contraceptives and the first part of the exam, like the driver's licence, will be a rigorous written test, which I have taken the trouble to formulate myself.

The test will include 20 multi-choice questions. I include a selection of these below:

1. You have no job or prospects and are feeling horny and lonely. You should:

a. Head off to the hotel, get sloshed and have unprotected sex with the first person available.

b. Ring up a useless former boyfriend and make up an excuse to get him around to have wild and unprotected sex.

c. Make yourself a cup of warm milk, head off to bed (by yourself) and read a good self- improvement book until you fall asleep.

2. You love children but have no income and no inclination to work. You should:

a. Throw your contraception out the window because you deserve to achieve your dream.

b. Realise that no matter what happens, the taxpayer is going to look after your child and you, so who cares?

c. Become qualified as a pre- school teacher and wait until you have a job and a steady partner before thinking of having children.

3. Your friends are all having babies after casual sex with various people and you don't feel part of the crowd any more. You should:

a. Immediately get yourself pregnant and join your friends' shopping trips for baby clothes and equipment.

b. Ring Work and Income to find out what can you can get as an unemployed solo mum and learn about the awesome entitlements you are eligible for.

c. Tell your friends they are being selfish and a burden on the taxpayer and decide to devote your life to helping them with their children.

4. You are at a cool party and a hunk makes a move on you and says he loves women who don't insist on contraception. You should:

a. Decide hot men are few and far between and take him home for a night of frolicking good sex the way he likes it.

b. Think life is boring if you don't take a few risks and go to his place for a rollicking good time.

c. Tell him he is being totally irresponsible and needs to change his attitude given the number of unwanted children he could father.

5. Sex, drugs and alcohol are a good mix. True or false?

a. Absolutely right. They go together like cigarettes and beer.

b. Alcohol and drugs help you relax and heighten sensory experiences so they are perfect for sex. True.

c. False. Alcohol and drugs can lead to bad decisions and make you forget how your decisions could impact on the taxpayer.

6. You come from a multi- generation beneficiary family and decide to become sexually active after being expelled from your third school in a year. You should:

a. Say to hell with contraception which is all about all those "f-s" telling you what to do.

b. Decide to score that awesome dude stacking the trolleys at the supermarket because no doubt he will father a rock or sports star who will make you rich one day.

c. Go to the doctor immediately and get a free implant which will control your fertility as long as you do not have work and a committed relationship.

7. The state has no place in decisions about individual fertility. Your attitude is:

a. The state should definitely butt out of my fertility and has a duty to fund my children and my lifestyle.

b. New Zealand is damn lucky to count any of my children as citizens, even if I can't support them.

c. The state has a right to encourage me to control my fertility when I have shown I can't support myself let alone anyone else.

8. Your mum was on the benefit all her life and had five children by four different men. You should:

a. Decide what is good enough for your mum is good enough for you.

b. Continue the family tradition of dependency and work shyness because it is something the family does really well.

c. Choose to break the cycle of dependency by getting a job and if you are sexually active be very careful not to get pregnant.

The Press