Giving voice to acidic surge by runner-up

ROGUE REPORTER: Press journalist Martin van Beynen.
ROGUE REPORTER: Press journalist Martin van Beynen.

Many terrible charges have been made against this column in the last 10 years, but perhaps the worst is the recent accusation that this column has been cheating by using the banned anabolic steroid metenolone.

I cannot deny two drug tests in the last fortnight show this column has been enhanced by the aforementioned steroid, which is now said to be responsible for propelling it to the impossibly high standard it has recently reached.

People are saying the fact this perpetual runner-up column has suddenly attained the zenith of wit and insight can only be due to one thing. This is insulting. Is it so hard to accept that columns can improve suddenly as a result of hard work and better coaching?

This is an outrageous allegation, which is easy to make and very hard to refute, especially when there are test results. But surely there has been some misunderstanding or mix-up?

Columns by Joe Bennett and Beck Eleven are also tested frequently - ask yourself why - and it's more than possible one of their samples got mixed up with my column sample in the laboratory. What a terrible mistake and, of course, the laboratory is too embarrassed now to admit it has botched the tests and is in denial.

Anybody who gives any credence to this accusation is doing so from wilful ignorance. A quick glance at Dr Google will reveal metenolone is used to give columns a little bit more muscle, a deeper voice and a pinch more virility. Dr Google warns about strange side-effects including enlarged breasts and testicles and psychological problems such as hostility, anxiety, paranoid ideation and aggression. Any regular reader of this column will know it certainly has never sported large breasts and it was never in need of larger cojones anyway. And it has always been perfectly balanced in being equally unfair to everyone.

Having said all that, no doubt exists in my mind that the column has been in desperate fight for space and survival with every envious rival out to get it. The Beck Eleven column is constantly breathing down my neck, and the Mike Crean column continues to push from behind as well. I know everyone is out to discredit my column in various ways.

Another insidious factor is also at play. This is the conspiracy against New Zealand columnists with Dutch-sounding names. We know everyone hates Dutch people and naturally a columnist with a Dutch-sounding moniker is going to attract the worst kind of ethnic minority bashing. If it was Beck van Eleven or Mike van der Crean, would they be as popular? I don't think so.

I know this sounds far-fetched, but I believe my previous writing coach could be responsible for these misleading test results. When she left recently, she rattled me with the departing comment of: 'Good luck with the column". This was a veiled threat to get my column scrapped and I hear she has been recently arrested for shoplifting.

How she got involved in the column-testing regime I don't know, but one can never underestimate the long tentacles of the truly vindictive.

It pains me to say the following, but I cannot let this column be covered in dirt while others come out smelling of roses.

The reason Beck Eleven's column is sometimes missing from Mainlander is usually due to the fact a sample has raised questions about the column's drug use.

I can now reveal it often tests positive for various substances of dubious origin, but last year the column was pulled - yes - because it tested positive for anabolic steroids.

Of course, it was hushed up, and the column was allowed to continue in the game, but now you know why it sometimes does not make the starting line.

It's not because someone has forgotten to file the column on time. That is just scapegoating.

Anybody who wants to make accusations about this column is welcome to come and see me face to face. Then they will find how much they enjoy having their head wrenched off their shoulders and thrown further than a champion shotputter on steroids can manage.

Not that I am being hostile or aggressive. I am merely defending the integrity of this column from constant underhand and hidden attack. I intend to fully investigate the testing process.

This column has nothing to hide. It doesn't need to take steroids at this stage of its career. It will be shown to be completely clean and everyone will know the truth.

In the meantime, thank you for your support. Your kind words and messages help this column not to lose heart and brilliance and I hope it will continue to serve you for many years to come.

A special thank you to Nadzeya, my inspiration. May you continue to throw allegations as well as you throw the steel ball.

The Press