Celibacy: men's shock strategy

ROGUE REPORTER: Press journalist Martin van Beynen.
ROGUE REPORTER: Press journalist Martin van Beynen.

You have probably heard about the use of sex strikes to further various political reforms and causes.

Most recently the women of Togo were urged to withhold sex from their partners until the government agreed to some much-needed electoral reform, and the tactic has been used successfully in Liberia (2003) and also in the Philippines, Colombia and Kenya.

The strategy is normally employed by females who are exercising one of the only powers they feel they have in a male- dominated system. Men don't usually consider sex strikes as a tactic to further political ends for the good reason that it would be a fruitless exercise. The threat is very likely to be treated with derision and in some quarters with relief - even in New Zealand, where women hold some of the most powerful positions, and, so we are told, are just as keen on sex as men.

But times are changing and the time for men to unsheathe the sex strike weapon might never have been riper. Obviously, we need a cause and I suggest Government funding for the Sheds for Blokes programme and free prostate testing.

The reason the climate is right for a men's sex strike is a new book which is creating such a lather it could be called a game changer.

Women have become so agitated by the bestseller, men finally have a leverage they never thought they would possess.

The book is called Fifty Shades of Grey Water and it is guaranteed to put women in a willing and innovative mood.

The book's main characters are Forsythia Crystal, a shy, unworldly but beautiful ecologist who falls in love with an eminent, handsome but detached biologist called Alexander Sedge.

The two are working on a research project on domestic waste water and are thrown together as they investigate how grey water can be purified and reused.

While they are up to their necks in pathogens and microbes, they begin an unorthodox but imaginative physical relationship. The following excerpt will give you the idea.

"Late at night the laboratory felt like a deserted ship cast adrift on a dark night. Alex had asked her to stay late to work on some urgent analysis - and now she stood beside him, feeling the warmth of his sculpted body and drinking in the earthy manliness of the activated sludge system on which he had worked during the day.

"Alex held a test tube to the light and she saw it contained a sample of grey water. Probably dishwashing, she thought, as Alex sloshed the water around like it was a fine wine.

" 'This is water from the bath I took this morning, Miss Crystal,' Alex said, his deep masculine voice filling the empty laboratory. He handed the tube to her and she felt the smooth cylinder in her hand as she pictured Alex naked in the warm bath. She felt the blood suddenly rush to her face and other extremities. She imagined the salt- and-soap residues in the water and she wanted him, there and then, to explain which contaminants he needed tested and analysed.

"Alex sensed her aroused discomfort and took back the test tube, cruelly fingering the vessel containing his pathogens and nutrients.

" 'Let's see how this works on the filtration membrane,' he said, as he led her towards the prototype anaerobic bio- filter they had developed and were currently testing.

"Forsythia was so stimulated by the images her mind had conjured up from the grey water, she found it hard to breathe as she poured the contents of the test tube onto the rushes and grasses of the filtration plant.

"It would take a day for the reverse osmosis to take effect so there little to do except discuss the next experiment.

' 'Do you take showers or baths, Miss Crystal? Alex asked, smiling as if he knew the answer.

"The question took her by surprise, as Alex knew it would, and he bared his perfect teeth, white as a restaurant plate, his tongue flicking over his lower lip.

" 'I prefer showers," she told him, meeting his unfathomable blue eyes which despite his teasing tone, seemed tinged with sadness.

' 'Well, please bring in some of your dirty water for analysis tomorrow.'

"With that he said goodnight, leaving her aching with the need for him and tomorrow seeming an unbearably long time away."

You get the idea.

I hope Mrs VB and the sisterhood are going to cause so much trouble for our political representatives that the Government will cave in and men will soon be able to retire to their sheds, drink their home brew and make wooden things for the house.

The chances of a momentous political victory for manhood have never looked better.

The Press