Air NZ takes wrecking ball to safety video
MARTIN VAN BEYNEN
Martin van Beynen
Air New Zealand safety videos have used the All Blacks, Richard Simmons, body paint, Betty White, Bear Grylls, Lord of the Rings, Sports Illustrated models . . . What next? Miley Cyrus of course.
OPINION: Hey you. Welcome to the party at Air New Zealand. We're going to do safety the Miley way.
We are going to do what we want, say what we want and love who we want but also follow some basic safety instructions.
You came in like a passenger, you think you know it all. But even if you've seen it all before, don't you look away, listen to what I say.
We don't want to get heavy but this is our plane, our rules.
Before we take off, put your stuff away, in the overhead compartment or under the seat in front of you. Can't you see it could hit you like a wrecking ball. Nothin' ever hit you so hard from above. All I want is to break the fall. Yeah you.
We goin' to put you high up in the sky and hope we won't come down, until the appropriate time of course, so please ensure you have fastened your seatbelt.
Whether you front or back, when you get the red light, make sure you belt in tight, snug across your hips like you care. If you want to undo, lift the flap and press down on da button, my button. Yeah yeah yeah yeah ooh.
To my home girls with the big butts who might struggle with the belts, don't let it puzzle you, pull on it like so, no-one gonna judge ya, somebody loves ya.
Can I get a Hell yeah - yeah it's our party and we don't take nothing from nobody. Can't you see it's we who own this flight, except, of course, when it comes to crashing in a blazing fall and all we goin' be is ashes on the ground.
That's the truth passengers, the bald truth, the whole truth. I hate to tell you but I can't live a lie, running for my life. I will always want to tell you about the exits which your crew are pointing to.
If the lights go out and all you want to do is shout, look for the lights along the aisle and listen to your crew. Jump, don't ask why, you can't deny, what the crew notify.
Can't you see we can't stop, yeah, and we won't stop, oh, and things do run and do go pop. Say yeah, yeah, yeah, ehh.
We can't just walk away, unfortunately, and in the unlikely event of an emergency look for a lifejacket. You gotta get equipped if we hit, hit the water. Don't get deflated, don't be dilated, because once you pull the red tab, the life jacket will be inflated, like you turned on, yeah yeah.
Can't you see we gonna be all right, 'cause we gonna go the whole night.
You will always want some oxygen and when this mask drops down in front of you, hold it over your mouth and breath deep, like you wanna live forever. Look after No 1 first, you never know when we gonna burst, so hold the mask tight and then help the young ones.
Screams, yells and panic everywhere, we came to have so much fun now, but it turned out sort of rum now, yeah yeah. Wish we had some la da di da dum. Get ready for a collison, make a decision, put your head between your knees like you a queen bees and hold on to the seat in front of you.
Pray it don't wreck you, all you ever did was wreck me, maybe you deserve all this, just kidding passengers.
Trying to get a line in the bathroom. No no, this is our house, this our party, we make the rules. So don't smoke, don't choke, no joke, anywhere on the aircraft.
We can love who we want to but please keep it seemly. Only one person in the bathroom at a time.
I never meant to be the law. I just want you to turn off all electronic devices and put away your tray table and make sure your seat is upright, we all right, good flight.
So thank you for flying Air New Zealand. The airline that tries very hard to make safety its number one priority.
Don't you ever say we just walked away. We will always want you.
- The Press