Happy Humpiest Hump Day to cure work blues
Chin up. This is the worst day of the working year - the first Hump Day of your first week back. Ghastly, isn't it. But on the upside, soon it will be over.
Every single day of 2014 will be better than this dog.
So make it special. Pretend it is Christmas with the in-laws and the ex-es combined and throw an overabundance of jollity at it.
If you haven't left for work yet, may I suggest at the very least a change in dress.
Anything that has room for a hip flask is a smart choice but maybe go whole-hog exotic.
Somewhere down the back of your wardrobe are a couple of things you bought en vacances that seemed so de rigueur at the time but feel weird out of the holiday context. I'm thinking those turquoise harem pants with cuff-bells for you, sir.
I know you've still got them. And the fez that you told everyone you bought for a laugh but secretly hoped it would look cool and catch on. This is the day to test that theory.
And for you, ma'am? Haul out that hot orange and lime silk wrap dress that could clearly be tied 127 different fabulous ways on the tiny Thai girl in the shop, but which in reality only wraps around you three ways, all of which make you look like an unnecessarily festive packet of fish 'n' chips.
Bring it on. There is a stapler in the office should you need it in a deshabille style emergency later.
Now that you are dressed for it - or even if you've picked this up too late - turn the whole day into a holiday replay.
Set up a portable barbie in the caf ' and take orders for snarlers. Ask the quiet dude in the next cubicle to slap a bit of sunscreen on your back, then set up a couple of flags and insist people work between them.
You might want to squeeze in a bit of actual work between morning tea and lunch, but no more than usual. And use all your breaks to take a lot of Selfies, particularly the kind we now call Braggies, which should feature the panoramic view from your desk.
In reality, it could be someone else's desk if their view is nicer. But when you post it to Facebook, only tag yourself. That officially makes it yours.
Remember, the boss keeps an eye on Facebook. She might assume she promoted you at the office party and just forgot. Stick something about that in your Status Update.
I appreciate that some of you genuinely need to Get Things Done now that work is up and running again. But that's what Thursday is for.
Giddy, slippery Thursday, which is on the rapid downhill slide into Friday, which is so almost the weekend you might as well knock off now.
Happy Humpiest Hump Day 2014. It gets better from here.