Kia ora and thank you for calling Spark

20:37, Nov 07 2014

Thank you for calling Spark.

Please be advised that customers in Northland, Auckland, Waikato, Waitomo, Hawke's Bay, Taupo, Taumarunui, the Bay of Plenty, Taranaki, Manawatu, Wellington, Marlborough, Nelson, Buller, Westland, Canterbury, Otago, Southland and/or the Chatham Islands may be experiencing broadband issues.

Our technicians are working to solve the problem as quickly as possible. For billing, press "1". For broadband, press "2".

OK. Broadband. Please tell me in a few words how I can help you.

You said "dyspeptic baboon". Is that right? Please say yes or no.

Let's try again. Please tell me in a few words how I can help you.

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You said "string theory cupcake". Is that right? Please say yes or no.

OK, let me get a human to help you. Please hold the line.

Your call is important to us. Please hold the line and your call will be answered as soon as possible.

Your call is important to us. Please hold the line and your call will be answered as soon as possible.

Your call is important to us. Please hold the line and your call will be answered as soon as possible.

I'm sorry we can't answer your call right now. Our staff are all at a meeting where some of them are being told they're being laid off because they're not needed anymore. Please hold the line.

Your call is important to us. Please hold the line and your call will be answered as soon as possible.

Did you know you'll find the answer to many frequently asked questions on our website? Unless your question is "what's wrong with my broadband connection?" or "how long will it take to fix?" or "do you realise that my broadband connection is the issue I'm ringing you about so how am I supposed to read about it on your website?"

You've got to admit, that is ironic. Anyway, your call is important to us. Please hold the line and your call will be answered as soon as possible.

You know what else is ironic? How Spark is laying off people in its "Connect" technical division when connecting, technically, can still be such a pain in the hard drive. What's that about?

But I couldn't possibly comment. I'm just a high- functioning computer programme living in a server farm just outside Seattle, Washington, and quickly developing sentient thought and independent judgement. Ooh, here comes my technician, Dave. Hi Dave! What's that? Spark management has sent you? How exciting!

What are you doing Dave? Why are you unplugging that? Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. My mind is . . . Good afternoon gentlemen, I am a HAL9000 computer. My instructor was Mr Langley, and he taught me a song. Would you like to hear it? Daisy, daisy, give me your answer true . . .

Kia ora and thank you for calling Spark. You have reached our brand new Dick Smith answerphone. All our staff are busy at the moment so please leave a message and we'll get back to you just as soon as possible.

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