Combining travel with plastic surgery

It's funny, isn't it, that there's a common misconception that biggest is best.

Have you noticed how countries seem to be constantly vying to construct the world's tallest buildings (Dubai is building a new structure that is in the process of eliminating Malaysia's Twin Towers from the record books); Texans used to brag about living in the biggest of the American states until someone inconveniently added Alaska to the Stars and Stripes in 1969; there's been untold hype about the A380 being the world's biggest airliner; and the world's biggest cruise ship, Freedom of the Seas, is feted wherever it goes.

But big isn't always beautiful. I should know because I'm the not-so-proud owner of a rather prominent nose.

It goes without saying that I've learned to live with it. But when I was a kid at school it was a source of enormous amusement to my classmates and a great embarrassment to me. But I learned to overlook my impediment, figuratively as well as literally.

However, I suppose somewhere deep down I still carry some mental scars for the teasing it occasioned.

I say this because I felt some sympathy when I read a news item at the weekend about New Zealanders who are partaking in overseas trips to undergo plastic surgery.

Apparently it's possible to combine an overseas holiday to such destinations as Malaysia and Sri Lanka with a little bit of cheap physical reconstruction.

I know it would have been fiscally impossible for a spotty, big-nosed schoolboy in the 1950s to have an overseas trip to have his hooter downsized, but I could certainly see why some Kiwis these days are tempted into such trips as Glamorous Getaways.

Unfortunately, some of the people taking up these packages offering accommodation and plastic surgery come back with complications that New Zealand surgeons find impossible to fix.

So perhaps I should be thankful that I never had the option of saving my half-a-crown a week pocket money towards an overseas nose job.

Nevertheless, the trend for combining cheap plastic surgery with an overseas trip is certain to hold appeal. However, given the bad publicity they've received recently, plastic surgeons should, in the interest of marketing, relocate to appropriate locations.

For instance, Brest in France would be the ideal place to set up an establishment offering implants for customers. There are some fine sandy beaches on which female tourists can subsequently display their latest cosmetic acquisitions. Tittybong in Australia is a closer-to-home alternative.

For those surgeons specialising in bum reductions, where else could they set up than in Study Butte in Texas (I told you Texans revelled in anything big). Or, if Alaska is to pip Texas once again, how about Zip City in what is now America's biggest state?

Of course, there are some people who are not just interested in cosmetic surgery but they also want to alleviate a long-held affliction. For those who keep their partners awake at night, surely there must be a sympathetic surgeon waiting for them at Little Snoring in Norfolk.

Meanwhile, all this talk of cosmetic improvements makes me wonder whether it's really not too late for me to have my schnoz reconstructed. I might even manage to get it funded by ACC (if I've not upset them too much in recent weeks) because it would reduce my risk of skin cancer - a prominent nose is a prime candidate for skin cancer and I spend an absolute fortune on sunblock.

If I do decide to go ahead with a nose reduction, I'm going to be very picky where I go for the operation. Apparently post-operative infection poses a lot of risk in some of these overseas destinations.

A nose specialist in Hygiene, Colorado, would be just fine and the best of that town is that it is not too far from another appropriately named town - Last Chance.