Relief in last few packs of Choco

STEVE BRAUNIAS
Last updated 18:41 27/05/2014
Mona Dotcom: Fashion icon?
HER COURT LOOK: The simple shirt illusion dress Mona chose to wear stood out in court for being effortlessly stylish. She paired it with an Hermes Birkin. Oh, only the most iconic bag of all time.

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Steve Braunias

Politics, and life and death Unseemly battle rages on Epsom doorsteps Contemplating strange hook-ups Someone get that man away from me! Boiling and steaming on a holiday break A Fairlie relaxing getaway The good, the bad, the downright scary Getting by however you can Cunriffe's Chinese whispers Tough day? Have a sandwich, say cheese

Everyday Housewife Harriet Wakefield shares her thoughts on the week past, as relayed by satirist Steve Braunias.

The story so far: Labour Party activist and Wellington housewife Harriet Wakefield leaves her husband for a lesbian lover - and gets hooked on synthetic highs ...

MONDAY

We took Hinemoa to school, then came back home and studied wedding packages for same sex marriages.

I said, "Is there anything in New Plymouth?"

Christine said, "Don't think so. Why?"

"It'd be romantic to have a wedding photo taken in front of Mt Taranaki."

"This one looks good. It's at Ngaio Bay."

"Where's that?"

"Marlborough Sounds. 'We welcome gay and lesbian couples.' Listen to this. 'A treat for all guests is the outdoor fireheated bath on the beach, at sunset or under the stars, prepared most beautifully by Rog.' "

I said, "Who's Rog?"

"I don't know. But he prepares a fireheated bath most beautifully."

"Good old Rog."

"Where are you going?"

"Just outside for a smoke," I said.

She thought I meant my packet of Marlboro. I can't tell her that I'm hooked on artificial marijuana. I bought 10 packs of Choco just before legal highs became illegal highs. I've still got three packs left, and I'm trying to make them last by mixing in cigarette tobacco.

I lit up in the garden. "I know what that awful smell is," mother called out, and slammed her basement window shut.

My life as a lesbian dope fiend.

TUESDAY

We put Hinemoa to bed, then cleaned up the kitchen, and watched the news. I record 3 News and Campbell Live every night.

"Ugh," I said, when John Key came on. There was a story about intelligence sharing with the US.

"Oooh," Christine said, when Kim Dotcom came on. There was a story about him giving evidence at the John Banks trial.

She's a member of the Internet Party, and is in talks about running as an election candidate in one of the Maori seats. Sometimes it worries me that we have such different political views. It's more that she doesn't actually have political views. All she wants is ultra-fast broadband.

"Ugh," she said, when Campbell Live started. Sometimes it worries me that we have such different tastes in current affairs shows. It's more that she doesn't actually like current affairs. She'd rather watch Seven Sharp.

WEDNESDAY

Terrible argument over the phone with Cheng Qi. He's humiliated that I've left him for a woman.

"Oh, Cheng Qi," I said.

"Don't call me that! My name is Chris!"

But that was just a name he found in a book when he came to New Zealand, and wanted an English name. When we got together, I insisted that he use his real name.

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"Oh, Cheng Qi," I said.

"My name is Chris! Call me Chris!" He abused me for a while, and hung up.

Christine came out of the bathroom. Her hair was wet. The colours of the tattoo on her arm seemed brighter than usual.

She said, "Who was that?"

I said, "Oh, just Cheng Qi."

THURSDAY

Christine was in my study with her laptop today when I was walking past with the laundry. I stopped at the door and watched her looking at a video on the Stuff news site. It was film of Mona Dotcom leaving the High Court and getting into a car.

She wore a short blue dress with a white collar, and carried a Hermes Birkin handbag.

It wasn't a very long film, probably only a minute. Christine played it twice.

Then she found a link to the Timaru Herald, which had a Mona Dotcom photo gallery. Christine lingered on a shot of Mona lying on her side, wearing denim cut- offs and a tanktop.

I lit up in the garden. "Harriet, for God's sake," mother called out, and slammed her basement window shut.

FRIDAY

I went on Twitter this morning and found a link to an amazing lunch event held today in Hamilton at the Wintec Press Club. Radio Live presenter Duncan Garner was going to talk about the election to an invite-only audience of 100, including cabinet ministers and media.

"Wish I was going," I said.

"Bor-ing," said Christine.

She was studying the Ngaio Bay wedding package again.

Diary of a Housewife, the creation of Steve Braunias, features the satirical musings of two contrasting Kiwi women, Aucklander Danyel Southwark and Wellingtonian Harriet Wakefield. stephen11@xtra.co.nz; Twitter @SteveBraunias.

- The Timaru Herald

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