Melbourne taste sensations

"What was the name of that beef," asks my little sister.

"Wagyu," I reply.

"And that was on the devastation menu?"

Wrong word, right sentiment. Two days of gourmet dining at Melbourne's finest and we are ruined for cuts of cow costing less than $189.99 a kilo.

Brand new to my list of things everybody should do before they die: the degustation dinner at Vue de monde restaurant.

Wagyu, marron, icecream coated in popping candy . . . but I'm 12 courses ahead of myself. Because before dinner, there was lunch.

Melbourne is obsessed with food. Latest government statistics show the city offers 145,000 cafe or restaurant seats. Wander down any street (or, more probably, a lane) and you are guaranteed a good coffee. Order a cupcake from one store and a churro from the next. Almost 42% of Melbourne residents are born overseas and that's reflected in the diverse cuisine and dining opportunities.

Little surprise, perhaps, that Melbourne was the first Australian city to get the Gordon Ramsay restaurant Maze. Past the elegant entrance of the Crown Metropol hotel (gorgeous suite, thanks) and up the stairs towards the wine list, where, as it turns out, the phrase "large format" doesn't refer to the typeface on the bottle label. Sadly, our budget doesn't extend to 1.5 litres of wine at $1500.

We read the menu. And then we interview the waiter. Buddha's hand? Also known as "fingered citron", an Asian fruit, served with the salmon. Jicama? A South American legume that looks like a turnip, served with the rabbit. We have all of this and more - four courses each, for $A49 ($60).

I suspect many people go to Maze to namedrop the Ramsay connection. Hopefully they leave converted to Kiwi chef Josh Emett's inventive and tasty menus (personal favourite: the tuna, with the teeny tiny mushrooms that made my plate look like a fairy garden).

Stomachs full, we set out to expand our minds.

Melbourne Winter Masterpieces have been a city institution since 2004. They are, according to the state government body Arts Victoria, major exhibitions which "balance curatorial excellence with popular appeal". Until October 10, that means the $A34 double-billing of Tim Burton: The Exhibition at the Australian Centre for the Moving Image and European Masters at the National Gallery of Victoria. From the costume Johnny Depp wore in Edward Scissorhands, to Pierre-Auguste Renoir's After the Luncheon (I knew exactly how the models felt).

The exhibitions are a handy 10-minute walk from each other. Just enough time to recalibrate your brain from Burton's crazy Nightmare Before Christmas world to the more genteel reflections of Degas and Monet.

Back at the Metropol - the $300 million hotel opened in April as the third accommodation offering in the sprawling Crown Casino complex - and it's aperitif hour on Level 28. Guests whose swipe cards get them this far get complimentary drinks from 5pm to 7.30pm. It's also where they do one of the freshest hotel buffet breakfasts I've experienced, and just a floor up from the Isika Day Spa. We lost three hours there one morning, under the spell of aromatherapy massages, facials and body wraps. At the end, a bubbly 20-something washed and blow-dryed my hair. A highly recommended holiday treat, because if you're going to eat and drink like a millionaire, you may as well look the part.

And so to that dinner.

I recently asked a French woman how her kind stay so slim. Variety, she replied. Small amounts of many things. Phew. I was worried the 12 courses and six glasses of wine I consumed at Vue de monde might necessitate a new dress size.

Here's how it works: a waiter comes to your table and checks for allergies. A sommelier comes to your table and asks if you're happy to drink his recommendations. Three hours later, and I have to have the menu emailed to me because my brain has exploded from sensory overload. I remember olive oil, magically reduced to a powder with the addition of maltodextrin. There were three little puddings set in eggshells, presented in an egg carton. There was a plate, with a lid, that when lifted, expelled clouds of smoke to reveal well, smoked, salmon. The marron sat on a warm river rock. A lamington was made of mousse.

Very good food with a sense of humour, said the maitre d', whose parents live in Invercargill. The wine was being poured by a man from Christchurch. I learnt later the water glasses were worth $130 each, the toothpick holder a cool $310, and most of the wines were beyond my pronunciation, but at no point did the service or the atmosphere intimidate. Book now.

I actually didn't think I'd eat breakfast - but I had to line my stomach for the Saturday morning winery tour. Our driver is ex- army. Ollie has transported former US President Bill Clinton, and that woman from New Zealand "with the funny mouth". Er - Helen Clark? Yep, he says. She had a nice plane.

We're off to the Yarra Valley. Three vineyards before lunch, all trying to convince me red wine is not mouth-puckeringly horrible. De Bortoli's shiraz viognier wins me over more than the others. TarraWarra Estate is also recommended. I didn't like the wine, but its very beautiful privately funded Museum of Art was showing Bushfire Australia, a gut-wrenching reality check of life in a country where nature gives - and takes away.

We lunched at Eleonore's Restaurant at the heritage-listed Chateau Yering with some people who arrived by helicopter. Pass me more wagyu beef and remind me to google "squab". No, really, the pigeon roasted in liquorice spice with chestnut puree, truffle bread and butter pudding and violet emulsion was delicious. And the smouldering stick of dried rosemary that wafted smoke gently over my charcoal- grilled fillet with bone marrow was genius. We considered the Murray River cod, but then we overheard an Australian say he wouldn't eat anything out of the Murray.

How wrong can you be? At the multiple award-winning dining experience that is Ezard Restaurant, the waiter presented steamed mulloway with Japanese plum wine dressing. A little research reveals this succulent fish grows up to 40kg - and relies on a regular flow of water from the Murray to ensure sufficient spawning. Dessert looked good, but I decided on an oyster shot to finish.

Please don't hate me. It was so good, that at the seaside suburb of St Kilda the next day, I began lunch with six more. I preferred the South Australian to the Tasmanian and the Sydney Rock. Was all of this getting a bit out of control? Should I tell you Donovans also did fabulous things with pheasant and that I seriously considered the Moreton Bay bug tortelli? That Melbourne's The Age's Good Food Guide described this place as a "beach babe, a cheerleader, the most popular girl in school" and that I wished I didn't have to get on a plane in three hours and fly back to my real life?

We left. We boarded our flight. We ate cottage pie. It was quite good. But I'm pretty sure the beef wasn't wagyu.

* Kim Knight visited Melbourne courtesy of American Express, with flights thanks to Air New Zealand.

Fact file

Where to stay: Crown Metropol, 8 Whiteman St, Southbank, Melbourne, www.crownmetropol.com.au
Where to eat: Vue de monde, Normanby Chamber, 430 Little Collins St, www.vuedemonde.com.au Donovans, 40 Jacka Boulevard, St Kilda, www.donovanshouse.com.au Eleonores, 42 Melba Highway, Yarra Valley, www.chateauyering.com.au Ezard, 187 Flinders Lane, www.ezard.com.au
What to do: Isika Day Spa, Crown Metropol Hotel, www.isaka.com.au Melbourne Winter Masterpieces, Tim Burton and European Masters, www.arts.vic.gov.au Yarra Valley Winery Tour, www.yarravalleywinerytours.com.au

- © Fairfax NZ News