More of America's best worst Christmas presents

20:54, Nov 21 2012

Roughly a year ago I shared with you all my love of SkyMall; that American shopping catalogue institution deposited into the seatback pouches of all domestic aeroplanes, representing the very apex of the American predilection for cheap consumer crap.

Given that Black Friday is upon us this week, (the magical day following Thanksgiving where American hordes descend into trampling over each other for cut-price deals at chain stores), marking the start of the Christmas shopping season, and that SkyMall is the gift of hilarity that keeps on giving, I figured we were due for the 2012 edition of the SkyMall-inspired Best Worst Christmas Presents.

Like all good countdowns, we start this in at number 10 and work our way down...

10: Dog Face T-shirt

Throughout the holiday season you'll be attending a lot of parties and wanting to make a lot of good first impressions... and what makes a bigger impression than the face of a disquietingly large and distorted dog's face wrapped around a garishly coloured, cheaply-made t-shirt?

9: Faux Workpants


These faux-workpants embody what can only be classified as an extremely strong year for SkyMall's apparel offerings. The sell here is easy: are you lazy, but still resent the veneer of self-importance that tradesmen feel using their hands and working outdoors all day? These pants, embroidered with the outline of a tool belt, give off the appearance that you work hard, while still being the perfect wardrobe choice for your next Two and a Half Men marathon

8: KFC Scale Model Building Kit

Crafts can be a great way to boost a youngster's hand-eye co-ordination and open up new creative pathways. This KFC scale model building kit is the perfect task to keep any child occupied this holiday season and doubles as a great exercise in expectation management. Don't go letting your child's imagination run wild constructing an ambitious house, boat or plane, set your child up for a future they can rely on!

7: Pet Stairs

Because sometimes when something is lacking in usefulness, it can exist by just being adorable. Why lift your smaller pets up onto the bed or the couch when you can watch them struggle up of their own accord?

6: Human Slingshot

What this game creates in user confusion, it makes up for in originality. Coming up with new family games is tough: puzzles, Monopoly and soccer have been invented already. So how about a human slingshot? Send your family flying across the lawn this Christmas. It is just like the shot put, only instead with humans and a lot more catharsis.

5: Remote Control Beer Cooler

If doctors have worked out how to perform a face transplant, why shouldn't there be a beer cooler you can summon by remote control? This is 2012, man! This Christmas, give the gift of unfettered convenience, straight out of the global birthplace of laziness.

4: Dog Slippers

If humans love slippers so much, why should dogs be deprived of the privilege? These dog slippers are a must-get for your own prized-pooch, or any animal lover you know. Come wintertime, they'll be indispensable. Any dog seen out in the street in these will be the envy of the street! The surprised look on the SkyMall puppy model's face says it all: However did I get by without these? However did my entire species?  

3: "I Love You More" throw blanket

The beauty of the SkyMall website, as opposed to its physical magazine equivalent, is that it has a function allowing you to search by intended gift recipient rather than browse through it aimlessly like some fool. The "For Her" section of its online catalogue is a must for any man stuck for a gift idea for that special lady in his life. This "I Love You More" blanket (its entire surface plastered in all-caps text, just so they won't mistake the meaning) is the perfect gift idea for any man not afraid of creepy over-sharing within their relationship... 

2: Growling Bear Hoodie

The thing with dull, traditional hoodies is that if they do carry an image on them, it's so boringly two-dimensional. There's just no snap! No movement! With SkyMall's new bear hoodies, when the wearer folds his or her arms across their chest, the bear is transformed from a docile standing position, into a growling, angry predator. No one will see it coming! The back of the jersey features a cute picture of said bear "leisurely walking away towards his next picnic basket". The jersey is made from recycled fabrics using eco-friendly inks, therefore totally eliminating all excuses you might have for not purchasing it.

1: Historical Replica Cabinets

SkyMall is not just content anymore to compete in the (still lucrative) "low-end trinkets good for a few minutes of giggling" market. The company has gone all up-scale(!!) with two new cabinets that will make a stylish addition to your home. Retailing for US$799, with just US$125 extra to pay for shipping, this six-foot high glass cabinet case, modelled after the traditional old-timey British phone booth we all know and love, is an imperative possession for the man who has prized possessions to display and yearns for the forgotten charms of yesterday. For those out there whose tastes run a little more ancient Egypt than old-school Britannia, the life-size King Tutankhamen sarcophagus cabinet is a historical, stylish addition to any household and not at all destined to haunt your home, dooming anyone who purchases this and their loved ones to a violent death.  

What's the best worst Christmas present you ever got?

Plan on giving any out this yourself this year?

And have you encountered the glory of Sky Mall yet?

(Hard to believe it's Christmas in a month, huh?).

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