An elephant massage with extras in Phuket, Thailand

SUSAN PEPPERELL GUY MACGIBBON/Stuff.co.nz GUY MACGIBBON/Stuff.co.nz GUY MACGIBBON/Stuff.co.nz GUY MACGIBBON/Stuff.co.nz GUY MACGIBBON/Stuff.co.nz GUY MACGIBBON/Stuff.co.nz GUY MACGIBBON/Stuff.co.nz

ELEPHANT INAPPROPRIATENESS: Bananas are an irresistible lure to elephants, and they'll cross any boundary to get them.

EXTENDED GREETING: Elephants reach out to anyone with bananas.

ELEPHANT KICKS: She lacks Christiano Ronaldo's footwork, but this elephant has a powerful strike.

HEAVY LOAD: The elephants bear their burden without complaint. Mind you they don't have a lot of choice, as their drivers carry a big stick tipped with a fearsome iron hook.

NOTHING BUT NET: The elephant's got game.

MONKEY BUSINESS: A monkey shows off its coconut gathering skills.

NO BUM STEER: It's not the smoothest ride in a bullock cart, but you get to where you're going.

GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY: Monks and tourists at the Wat Chalong Buddhist temple.

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Ahh Thailand. If the ladyboys don't get you the elephants will.

I was molested by one in front of a paying audience.

What I had expected was a "baby elephant massage" - a photo opportunity where a (big) baby elephant pretends to massage your back with his foot.

The first indication something was different from the many massages I had just witnessed at the elephant show at Phuket's Island Safari park was that I was asked to lie on my back rather than my front and with my feet pointing towards the audience.

Once the handlers had shoved bananas up my shorts it was too late to back out, if backing out was ever an option. The elephant's trunk was in there moments later. It snuffled around in my shorts for what felt like an eternity, although it was probably a matter of seconds. It went right up there. It was bristly and hot, and the sensation lingered well after the ordeal. It was violating. I may have to join a group.

When I stood up all the bananas were gone and everyone was laughing at me. I've rarely been so embarrassed. I'm glad I wore my good undies.

Earlier, among other tricks, the elephants had been doing synchronised head-stands as our MC chanted "show those sexy bums! Show those sexy bums!"

I can't deny I loved the elephant show, although it's a little hard to justify. They're definitely not behaving as they should be in the wild but they showed no obvious signs of distress.

They're friendly, you can give them a good pat on the head, and feed them bananas. I suppose performing for tourists is the only lives they've known.

The monkey show on the same tour, by comparison, was a little sad. OK, so elephants showing off their bums isn't that dignified, but monkeys riding tricycles and tottering around with parasols is a bit creepy.

The tour, which we booked through Club Med, packs in a lot for four hours at a cost of about NZ$80. As well as the elephant and monkey shows, there's a Wat Chalong Buddhist temple visit, ox cart riding, a cooking demonstration and a half hour elephant trek.

Extra amusement was had at the water buffalo photo opportunity, when a Japanese tourist became hysterical on the buffalo's back. It was one sedate beast – didn't move a muscle as the poor woman was dragged off.

The elephant trek takes you on a loop of Island Safari's rural Thai theme park at about human walking pace. Trekking seems a little grand a title.

It is high up on an elephant and got a little scary when my elephant stopped to talk to another one and they started making deep grumbling noises like dogs make when they're fixing to fight, only several octaves lower. I can only assume it was all friendly banter in elephant language.

You couldn't call this an eco tour, as Island Safari's website says. It's more a circus. But those elephants are hard to resist.

More info:

http://www.islandsafaritour.com/

* The writer travelled courtesy of Flight Centre www.flightcentre.co.nz and stayed as a guest of Club Med www.clubmed.co.nz.

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