The final hoorah before the wedding

AIMIE CRONIN AND DENISE IRVINE
Last updated 11:31 20/02/2014

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THE HEN

I told Brett, I told him, the number one thing is that he can't get cuts or bruises that will show in the photos but other than that, he can do whatever he likes. Like, I haven't been dieting for a year and making my dad pay thousands for a photographer just to have Brett go get so wasted before our wedding that he munts himself up at his stag do and ruins everything. I told him if he gets a black eye from town or marks from paint ball, I'm not going to marry him. Like, I probably would still marry him but he'd definitely ruin my day.

One of my bridesmaids has the worst story. Her husband didn't come home from his stag do. She was, like, calling and calling the next day and the guys were saying they lost him at the strip club they took him to. We thought he'd, like, drowned in the river or something. He got home at, like, lunchtime and wouldn't tell her where he was. She was, like, crying and threatening to call off the wedding and everything, but it all turned out OK - we just know never to bring it up now.

I know Brett's mates will take him to a strip club and my older sister who's, like, a feminist, says it's super degrading to womanhood or whatever, but I'm OK with it. Like, he's only looking. Well, pretty much. And I'd rather that than him, like, go have an affair. And all his mates do it, anyway, so what's he gonna do - say he can't go? Like, how awkward would that be?

Guys always say a stag do is their last night of freedom and I guess he's right in some ways. I mean, it's not like Brett will be able to get on the piss every Wednesday-Thursday-Friday-Saturday night once we're married, like, it'll probly just become more like every Friday-Saturday night and some Thursday nights and something low key on Wednesday night, like a pub quiz.

My hen's night is on the same night as the stag. It's gonna be MASSIVE. My head bridesmaid is keeping it all a secret, but one of the girls let it slip that we're all getting matching pink tops that say HENS and mine will say BRIDE and I've already bought this super short skirt to go with it so that I can show off my body, because I haven't been this skinny for, like, 10 years, so I mightaswell make the most of it.

Anyways, we'll probably just drink at someone's house, play some drinking games about me and Brett and get wasted, then go into town and I'll have to complete a hilaaaarious list before I'm allowed to go home. I'll probably have to flirt with guys to get free drinks, take my bra off and sell it to someone, shots at the bar, sing karaoke, flash a crowd of people, kiss a few guys, maybe even a male stripper. Brett says I'm not allowed to kiss any other guys at my hen's night, but what goes on at a hen's party stays at the hen's party.

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THE STAG

SKUUUULLLLLLLSSSSSS!!!! Drink-drink-drink-drink-drink. That's usually how it goes at the stags I've been to and mine will be the same, no doubt. Plus a few activities. I was best man for a wedding last year and I jumped on the internet and found this sweeeeet website where you book in for a Hamilton stag package and that gets you clay-shooting, go-karting, a restaurant meal and strippers who get their kit off in a private room - all for 200 bucks per guy. I've spent more than that just on a night out with booze and strippers, so I reckon it was a pretty good deal. We got hammered that night. The groom didn't even go home, but, nah, I won't tell you where he was, because me and my mates, we're like brothers and we took a vow of secrecy. It's all good, though, it's your last night of freedom so you gotta make the most of it before the ball and chain. The missus is already nagging at me about not going out so much when we're married. As if. I mean, one day, we'll settle down when we've got kids and that, but I'll still always have time for the boys. You got to. I've been driven out of the house already, just to get away from all this wedding crap, plus there's no decent food in the fridge because she's tryna get a mean body for the wedding. She sees the posters I've got up in my garage of hot car chicks and she's all tryna look like them. I guess I can't complain that she's trimming up because it's nice to have a hot missus, but it will never stop me from looking. Guys can't help it. It's in our blood. It's what we do. There might be a little bit more than that happening at my stag, but what goes on with the boys, stays with the boys.

THE MOTHER-IN-LAW

Note to stags:

Do not, under any circumstances, have your stag do the night before the wedding. We don't want you, or your dodgy friends, turning up with a hangover when we've spent a fortune on our daughter's big day. Or worse, we don't want you with a black eye (or other injury). This happened to good friends of ours. Some no-hoper in a bar punched their son-in-law in the face at his stag do the night before his wedding; it was a photographic and social disaster. Also, do not urinate in public, even if it is a dare. Our family does not want photographs of such infantile incidents coming back to haunt us.

Note to hens:

On a similar theme, try to keep your brain engaged at all times, and maintain some decorum. Unflattering photographs posted on Facebook or elsewhere just before your wedding will not be a good look, specially when you have made a major investment in trying to look stunning. (Just imagine the fall-out if some family member with a grudge showed them to Nana.) Also avoid injuries; you don't want to wobble down the aisle with a sprained ankle. And do not fall out with your bridesmaids in an emotional moment. It will be too late to get new dresses made.

- Waikato

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