Massey University's strange new advert
She came to me as if in a dream. She was beckoning and calling to me like a pixie vixen, tempting me to move away from the House of Waikato. She wanted me to surrender and be with her kind. But where was she from? Was she real? A fantasy? A sorcerer's trick? What game was she on and how could mere mortals play?
She was tempting and titillating. She was feminine and full of grace. She appeared to be from the House of Massey and she was perfect.
My fairy queen appeared as a deity, an academic goddess, the perfect maiden of Massey. She is the temptress. And I was caught by her charms. I was not alone. She was beckoning to us all to fly to lush green fields of learning to a new life full of promise far away from the drab existence in the House of Waikato. She arrived as a mere online advert. But hush, she is real and she is calling us to the new New Zealand, where people are beautiful and they walk on water.
The new New Zealander - Massey University's new advertisement.
It is where young people walk this Earth free of blemishes and excess weight, where they are white and always calling in beautiful tones. It is as if the spheres have aligned and they are pointing to Palmerston North.
It is a call to the perfect place. It is a call to a land of academic rigour and enterprise unseen in the Houses of Auckland, Waikato, Victoria, Canterbury or Otago.
It is a new, green land where people dream and share visions of beauty and new birth, where Palmerston North is the centre of New Zealand and people dance freely in the streets.
My pixie vision speaks of a new New Zealand, a land where the old country is razed and reborn through the vision of Tracta, an advertising agency employed to magically transport people to this new utopia of academic innovation and enterprise. It was clear: my academic destiny was in front of me. Was I bold enough to take the second star to the right and straight on till Massey, where I would awake alone with my fairy princess in this bold new world?
My sexy vixen knew my weak spot. The pull of academic life remains my calling. It is above my worldly lust of Matchbox toys and Anfield; above my rock and roll dreams and flirtation with furry felines. Marketing higher education is indeed a call to a higher pursuit above the selling of makeup and Glassons' dresses.
A message by the wizardry of electronic mail to the House of Massey quickly followed. Who is she? Why is she walking on water? Is she human or goddess? Is she real and available? Do you have her phone number? Email? Facebook? An address? Does she have a ponytail?
I considered a cunning plan to move my fairy queen from one academic fiefdom to another. She shall reside in the House of Waikato, be part of the clan of Nyllewell and she will advertise the many disjointed Houses of Waikato together as one clan.
Suddenly I awoke. She asked for an application. But what was I applying for? A date? A red rose elimination? What indeed! I had to know more. Confused by the beckoning of my Massey maiden, I sent another message to the House of Massey.
"Can I enrol in a course at Massey that will help me walk on water? After all, Massey University produced Steven Joyce and he can, so why not me?" I proclaimed.
While waiting for the reply, I looked for the courtly competition, a scantily clad marketing male who could do supernatural feats. Thankfully, there are none. So Massey University, home of agriculture and gumboots and my blonde pixie queen, I am coming to apply for something. It is time to dream, perchance to capture the vision of this new New Zealand, where vice-chancellors drive around in super-cars and smoking hot chicks are used to sell academic study.
But perhaps it is time to awake from fantasy and to find another maiden, one who can inspire me back to the old New Zealand where people see through asinine academic adverts that are the creation of advertising thieves who steal the taxpayers' gold from the House of Massey and others.
So perchance to sleep, dear blonde vixen. Until we meet again in an advert designed to trick and deceive, as all temptresses do.
Godspeed to the new New Zealand fairy vixen, where former MP and Vice- Chancellor Steve Maharey reigns as king, to a land where the marketing emperor has no new clothes and his shortcomings are all on display.
Moral: University advertising budgets nationwide should be immediately capped by government. Massey University's trite "New New Zealand" campaign is ample evidence for the reasons why.