OPINION: Vaccination is a lie.
Plenty of people have tried to tell me different. But I know better.
When I was a child, I got measles and mumps. I'd been vaccinated for both. Oh, sure, some small, logical part of my brain tried to tell me that I'd probably recovered much faster from these illnesses than I would have had I not been vaccinated. But that's the thing with logic. You can't trust it. Science is based on logic and look where that's got us. Genetically engineered centipedechickens from KFC. But I digress. You can't trust logic. It's intuition you have to trust. I have intuition coming out my ears. My aura is indigo. My mind is wide, wide open. Information pours in. Splash! Just between us: I'm a bit of a genius. I've got a real knack for medical knowledge. The sheeple need someone to free them. And I've spend enough time reading medical-sounding articles on various natural health forums to know I can be that person.
I first realised this when I discovered the Internet had a great deal of information on vaccines that they don't want you to know. Who's "they," you ask? I'll tell you. It's them. Your nurse. Your family doctor. The National party. The Labour party. (Possibly not the Conservative party.) The Medical-Industrial-complex. The Great Vaccination Conspiracists. Unscrupulous electricity companies who generate power from the brains of autistic children. It's all possible. Except for vaccination. Vaccination simply doesn't work. Ignore the decades of scientific evidence. It's all fraudulent. It's all a lie.
Vaccination was, supposedly, first performed by Edward Jenner in the 18th century and further developed by Louis Pasteur, who discovered cures for smallpox and rabies, respectively (although I personally find this about as likely as the idea that humans walked on the moon.) Some hail these men as heroes, and their work as saving the lives of millions. The truth is that these men are mass-murderers. Want to know who else used vaccines? The Nazis. They also used fluoride to keep their prisoners docile. I bet the Nazis even fluoridated their vaccines. The banality of evil.
Some people call me a conspiracy theorist. To that I say: a conspiracy theorist is just another name for someone whose mind has been freed. Look, a chemtrail! Sorry, I was distracted by the noise of an aircraft. Filthy things, dropping chem on us in horrible great trails. You can see them in the sky if you look. They appear to be clouds to the untrained eye, but don't be deceived. They're Trails. Of Chem. Wake up, sheeple!
But I digress. In the late 1990s, the hero-scientist Andrew Wakefield discovered that the MMR vaccine caused autism.
Finally, a scapegoat for a mysterious condition! Parents latched on to his discovery, and my friends and I promoted it far and wide. But Big Medicine got to him. They said his papers were fraudulent. They stripped him of his medical licence. They even said his theory that the combination of measles, mumps and rubella vaccine caused autism was just a ploy to make money off a single-dose measles vaccine. But I know better.
Wait, you say. How can I be praising a scientist when I've just been railing against them for creating fluoride and octochickens? Well. There are good scientists and bad scientists. I agree with the good ones - like Andrew Wakefield - and fight with all my might against the bad ones, like Stephen Hawking and Bill Nye the Science Guy. They believe in things like physics and climate change. But I digress.
I saw a sad article the other day. It was about someone who had died from meningococcal disease despite the fact they'd been vaccinated. Apparently the person had died from a strain for which there is not yet a vaccine, which just goes to show how useless vaccines truly are. If only the parents of this child could talk to me and my friends at Natural News and the Immunisation Awareness Society. We'd explain to them that they vaccine their child received was at best useless, and at worst, poison.
We've already helped tens of thousands of other parents. We've told them how vaccines cause autism. We've shown them how no vaccine actually works and how they contain mercury and monkey brains and Chem. We've helped them make the informed choice to opt out of vaccinations programmes. And we don't vaccinate ourselves, or our own kids. So you think that's irresponsible and dangerous? Tough. That's right, sheeple. We're winning. Join us. We have websites. They've got words and they all link to each other and everything. That's better than anything you so-called "scientists" can muster.
We're the heroes of a new age. We're waking up the world, one sheeple at a time. People like Andrew Wakefield, and Jenny McCarthy, and me. We're the anti-vaxxers, and We Know Better.
This opinion piece is now closed for comments.