Starting all over again..
It's my first week at my new writing job. An opportunity arrived at the perfect time in my life, giving me a distraction, and potentially the makings to get me out of my 'other career' by starting out as a 'blogger' for The Waikato Times.
So now it's a Friday night; no I'm not mounting the saddle at Hood Street's "Rodeo Rodeo" -- instead my position is more like a starfish on my back in bed, fighting back the drowsiness I am suddenly feeling from my flu tabs. My chest is congested, my breathing is wheezy, my muscles are aching and my body is surrounded by my Sheridan bedspread.
Thankfully my job isn't a 9-5 office job (where I would probably be made to wear a white construction mask with the metal nose piece screaming ATTENTION: POSSIBLE SWINE FLU VICTIM while I ooze the ammunition of infection). I am fortunate enough to be able to type away on my laptop in the comfort of my own bedroom and in my pyjamas.
My eyes are watering.., but it's not just from the virus. It should be one of the happiest weeks of my life, yet I am bound with the flu.., and my personal life is heading for a crash, or a screeching halt at the least.
A teardrop runs down my face, sailing towards my chin. I shouldn't be crying - I wanted my blogs to be upbeat and encouraging.., but truth is, my life is not all perfect. Some nights it rains - tonight is one of those and I can't sleep. My insomnia clock is ticking...
Ten months ago today I met the man I described in my first blog as "someone I considered my equal and partner in life's journey as we know it."
I had trusted a man all over again, became the classic female that fell in love, moved in with him probably too soon, loved him despite all his imperfections, considered all his plans on life's journey (including having his children). I accepted this man into my son's and my life.., and tonight he declared he could no longer.., no longer live a life or lay with me.
I twirl my diamond ring around the finger it is on. The commitment ring worn on my left finger represented a pledge that we were "together" even in our different lifestyles, upbringing, and diverse family, not to mention how 'poles apart' our career corridors clashed - but like Bob Seger quotes, "when you're in a relationship, you're always surrounded by a ring of circumstances... joined together by a wedding ring, or in a boxing ring," I felt the ring gave the relationship some insurance. Funnily enough, that's what he sold for a profession.
My walls of trust have just come crashing down, insincere love, false security.
I didn't want to like him for a while at this particular moment. But from what I was hearing, he didn't want to like me again forever.
First there was no reason. Then he said he didn't like what I did. He knew what I did before - damn, even an internet searche, my 20/20 documentary and the Campbell Live interview can tell you that! A few sentences about how he wanted to be with someone that was in the same level academically as him.
I zoned out about here - it was like him trying to imply us girls in the industry are all stupid.
November was when I had planned to stop the Adult Industry, before my son turned five. We both had been working on that goal, a modification in the plan had him jerking the car over on the side of the highway and leaving me and my boy to hitch-hike when we were hypothetically only a good 50km from our desired destination.
There was current stress between his ex wife, a custody battle and no one in his life ever accepting what I did for employment. There was lack of trust and I wondered if there was a 3rd person making him walk out.
I snapped my fingers and refused to think there was something wrong with me, and that I didn't deserve to be loved - even though my crying showed otherwise.
I was aware that I ran the risk of feeling embarrassment as to what anyone reading might think about this blog. This was as real as they come, not some fiction paperback story needing to be scanned before reading in the Chartwell Hamilton Library.
I wiped my tears, slowly breathed in and out and had a sudden thought: If it didn't rain, the garden would never grow.
It's the end of the blog, and I'm no better than how I started. I'm a sobbing mess thinking the Depo Provera bum injection my Doctor gave me has my hormones out of whack. I listen outside; it seems to have stopped raining. It's just me and my boy all over again, I hear Will Smith singing in my ear "Just the Two of Us..."
Just the two of us, we can make it if we try
Just the two of us, just the two of us
Just the two of us, building castles in the sky
Just the two of us you and I .
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Get well soon Lisa; and as to your personal sadness, well, that old cliche "when one door closes, another opens" is actually quite true. Your present circumstances may be paving the way for something much, much better for you. All the best.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss, hopefully things get better :)
Kia kaha
Thanks Lisa, we have all been there but seldom does someone have the strength and courage to put it out there and let the world know that they are not feeling ok and know they deserve better when they rightfully do!
Sounds like a tough time for you Lisa, but this is serious drivel. I don't expect you to know this quote because it was not written by a rubbish pop singer, but: "The truth doth not make interesting reading when the poetry is forced and rough and thy blog is written in crayon" - Jewey, 2009
This made me cry...
It is so terribly written.
On the way to Auckland, as you get into Huntly, there is a saying on a roof top. It reads "better to have loved, then not to have loved at all"
Sadely, your situation is all to common today. I have tried to get my head why people in relationships split as soon as it gets stressful.
My understanding is that you either strip, or use to strip as an occupation.
Girls that take their kit of for a living are often students paying of a loan, and making money as an exotic dancer to pay for their education. Thats it in a nut shell.
They now offer courses in pole dancing for goodness sake.
Times have changed, and my personal view is that people need to get over it.
So what if what you do is not everyones cup of tea. Hell, if I stripped, my boxers, hairy chest and pale complexion would scare the wits out of the audience. They would be traumitised and need medical help.
But dispite my impefections, my wife still loves me. Why? because she sees me as her rock. Like an old Morrie, not flash, sexy, but bloody reliable (except in cold mornings).
Relationships are an investment, they require a lot of effort, communication and patience. But at the end of the day, when you reach my age, it is all worth it.
Forget about the "ideal man", judge a person from the inside, because as Obama said, "a person should be judged by there character", and in times like these, thats what we all need.
Lisa on Life promises to be a lot of laughs. (this is written below her heading.)
Seriously so when is she going to stop targeting and attacking people... YOU SAID THIS "PROMISES TO BE A LOT OF LAUGHS."
All ive seen so far is her moaning and being a complete B*#ch!!
HORRIBLE HORRIBLE VERY NOT FUNY BLOG!!!
Waikato times please.... enough is enough stop this crap.
Tip about writing - by all means write what you know, it helps factually and with natural flow - outing everything about your world including your form of contraception, and you are not a writer, you are merely sharing everything about yourself in a public forum, cool if that's what you want, but I really don't think Waikato Times should be paying for it!
every blog is just another attention seeking effort...dont you get enough attention having drunk blokes looking at ya bits while you dance arond a pole?
WTF.
I don't even know what else to say.
Just WTF. WTF Lisa, WTF Waikato Times, WTF stuff.co.nz.
I hope you lose something else this week; you're newly-found/completely-undeserved/disasterous job as a blogger.
PAINFUL TO READ. And not for the reasons you intended Lisa...