That fantastic, superior breed

JOSHUA DRUMMOND

OPINION: Tweet

The thing to remember about chief executives is that they are better than other people – simply the best, better than all the rest, better than anyone or, at least, anyone I've ever met.

Much like a silverback gorilla is larger and more powerful than other males in the troop, chief executives are actually a different breed from the rest of us.

Observe the pale, white skin (from working so, so hard), the piggy, close-set eyes (for scanning vital documents), the craggy forehead (for synergy), the magnificent, Nixonesque jowls (for the intimidation of rivals) and the wet, full, sensuous lips (for arranging business lunches, consuming business lunches, and charming secretaries).

All of the above mean chief executives are able to work much, much harder than the rest of us. Many can endure up to four hours in meetings without any kind of external protection. They can consume up to eight times their bodyweight during a corporate function. Their mighty hands can withstand up to 50 hand-shakings in a week. They can dictate as many as four memos in a given hour.

But their most nebulous and vital skill is "leadership".

What is leadership? Only chief executives know for sure. It is a higher concept, not meant for mere mortals.

Leadership is the Higgs Boson of the business world.

No-one is sure that it actually exists, but without it, chief executives would not be worth anything. Therefore, it must exist.

Indeed, some chief executives' powers of leadership are so prodigious that they can even lead things when away from the office – while, say, on holiday at the Gold Coast.

Chief executives were first bred in the top-secret Nazi Project Ubermensch programme. Adolf Hitler envisaged these elite warriors leading his armies to victory over the rest of the world, but, sadly, the programme came too late to sway the course of World War II.

Only a few were ever launched at Britain, and when Germany fell, United States troops quickly spirited famous chief executive scientist Wernher von Braun and his colleagues away to the US, to work on their own chief executive programme.

This was successful, and the first major chief executive launches took place in the 1950s.

Since then, chief executives have brought us a world of unparalleled happiness and prosperity – and this, in addition to their hard, hard work, is why they are paid literally millions of times what (to pick an example at random) a bricklayer is paid.

It used to be that only actual businesses had chief executives, but now that public institutions have become hyperefficient by adopting business practices, nearly every organisation has a chief executive.

City councils have been quick to get on board, realising that only by paying a select few rich white guys much, much more than anyone else will they ever offer ratepayers true value for money. Nowhere is this more apparent than in Hamilton and Christchurch.

In Hamilton, a man called Michael Redman was elected mayor. Some might think this a remarkable pinnacle of achievement, but not Mr Redman. He would moan and toss in the night, grinding his teeth in shame at the raw indignity of his position. He knew he was destined for greater things – the position of chief executive of Hamilton City Council.

So one day, he just kind of resigned and just kind of got the chief executive's job. Later, he just kind of quit the chief executive's job for an even higher-paying one in Auckland.

The enduring lesson here is once you reach a certain level in politics and/or business, you can just kind of do whatever you want.

In Christchurch, a man called Tony Marryatt faces a dilemma. As chief executive of the Christchurch City Council, his job is to rebuild an earthquake-ravaged city single-handedly.

He shuffles paper. He emails. He frequently sits down at a desk for up to 10 hours at a time. He presides over meetings. He answers important phone calls. He takes memos. He takes holidays on the Gold Coast. He works so damned hard that he probably has to eat lunch at his desk. Yet the indolent citizens of Christchurch, do little but repair buildings, shovel liquefaction, bury themselves neck-deep in human waste repairing sewers, and sleep in temporary accommodation because their homes are wrecked.

They are upset that Mr Marryatt is receiving a pay rise of $68,000, bringing his total pay packet to $538,529 a year. What selfishness! Can't they see everything he is doing for them? Can't they see how hard it is? Can't they see how he is inherently better than they are?

It's so unfair.

Chief executives are among the most persecuted beings in our hideously unequal society. My heart bleeds for them.

Joshua Drummond (@josh_drummond)is a Hamilton freelance writer who aspires to become a chief executive.

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