Hello, New Zealand voters. I'm Colin Craig. You may remember me from failed election campaigns such as the 2011 New Zealand general election.
There is something you should know about me. I am a millionaire. This basically means I am better than most people.
You wouldn't understand. You are not a millionaire. Unless you are, in which case: OOBLY GOOGLY WIBBLY SKIBBLE DIBBLE! Ha, millionaire in-joke.
What I mean is because I am a millionaire, I am able to do what very few non-millionaire-Kiwis can do: finance my own vanity election campaign.
I did really well, I am sure you remember. I spent a mere $1,878,337 and I got 2.65 per cent of the party vote. That's just $31.71 per vote! All it took was a website featuring stock photos of smiling people and a total of three policies. A bargain at any price.
I'm Colin Craig. I talk about myself in the third person. I say things like this: "Zacchaeus was a short man, unable to see through a crowd. He resolved that problem by using his initiative and climbing a tree."
The principle is finding creative solutions to solve a problem – something that helps us succeed in business. I'm a great believer in people talking responsibility, and finding creative solutions for life's challenges.
I say things like this too: "Why should a 70-year-old who has had the same partner all their life have to pay for a young woman who wants to sleep around?"
See that? That's just the kind of thing I say. What does it mean? I have no idea. Sounds good, though, doesn't it?
Someone will see that, and they'll agree with it.
"That's right," someone will think. "Young women do sleep around too much. Seventy-year-old women do not, unless they are very genre-specific pornographic actresses.
"Ooh, a shiny object. I will vote for Colin Craig."
See that? That's how a Conservative voter thinks.
How do I know? I am a Conservative voter.
I'm a Christian. Your opinions on Christianity may differ, but mine is the correct one. To me, it basically means I'm just better than most people.
Sometimes people say things like, "Colin Craig, did you know that it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than enter heaven?"
I ignore these people. They are socialists who ignore the wider context of Jesus' message, which is: God loves free markets, he wants you to be rich and to oppress the different.
Do you know what the opposite of a Christian is? Someone with different political views from me.
New Zealand is a nanny state. It is too involved in our lives, except where it should be even more involved, which are the areas that the voice of God in my head tells me to care about – areas like gay marriage, gay adoption, voluntary Youth in Asia, abortion and how much sex women have.
I'm Colin Craig. I think New Zealand women are the most promiscuous in the world.
How do I know this? A survey by a condom company told me.
Women should be less promiscuous. Why? God hates sluts, except he loves them. Let's be honest here. God is watching us, all the time.
I can feel his loving eye roving over me right now. I am naked before him – naked, and supplicant.
I love you, God. You're like Edward fromTwilight, watching me as I sleep. So remember this, you harlots, you loose women: every time you take a fresh young boy from off the streets, seducing him with your feminine wickedness, making him unclean, God is watching you. All the angels and the saints are too.
But he will reward you for being celibate.
My God is like an all-powerful webcam who is also Santa Claus, beaming up to heaven on a supernaturally fast broadband sleigh.
I'm Colin Craig. I led the March for Democracy, when the Labour Government installed civil unions and removed a loophole in the law that had allowed some parents to get away with viciously beating their children.
It's against the natural order of things. It's against God's law. Spare the rod and spoil the child, says my Bronze Age life-instruction manual.
Naturally, New Zealand demonstrated in force, with up to 0.125 per cent of the population protesting in Auckland. I only spent $450,000 on the march. That's $90 per attendant. A bargain at any price. Amen.
Joshua Drummond is a Hamilton freelance writer who would love to bankroll his own vanity political party.
- © Fairfax NZ News