Who needs pundits?

JOSHUA DRUMMOND
Last updated 08:23 13/08/2012

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Joshua Drummond

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It's that time again. Political pundits are growing disillusioned with the status quo and are putting forward bold plans that (the pundits know with absolute certainty) are nothing short of genius. I've decided to have a go at punditry myself.

Labour needs a new leader. David Shearer is the political equivalent of one of those burps that have a bit of stomach juice in them and make you want to clean your teeth. I had one of those the other day and I've taken to calling them "Shearers". They remind me of a cat bringing up a hairball. I think there's a metaphor here. Cats are cruel, capricious creatures, like career politicians, and when they lick themselves too much they get hairballs. ("Lick themselves", in this scenario, represents "compromise").

Labour has an identity crisis. Its MPs don't know who they represent anymore. Well, I have the cure, and much like my forced metaphors, it involves cats. Each Labour politician shall adopt a cute SPCA kitten and bring it to Parliamentary sittings. This will show the electorate that they care for the less fortunate and improve their image among today's internet-savvy, cat-loving youth. The kitties will run wild during Parliamentary sittings, considerably improving them. They'll climb up our tree-like Speaker, Lockwood Smith. They'll be bewildered, as we all are, by the continued existence of NZ First. They'll play with the strange animal pretending to be Peter Dunne's hair. They will hiss adorably at anyone who happens to possessed by demons, like John Banks.

Poor John Banks. As if being possessed by demons wasn't enough, he's also a member of ACT. Of course, in addition to being a pitiable remnant of a once-mediocre political party, ACT is a cult affiliated with the free market religion. Banks would do well to play up to this image. It's not like he's got anything to lose. He should start sporting a robe and wizard hat, and chanting mantras at the media, which isn't far off what he does already. He can deliver all his Parliamentary speeches in a strange and ancient tongue (which, again, should not be a stretch for him) and he can mount a small idol of Milton Friedman at his seat in the House, to which he can occasionally gift money and lick when he thinks no-one is looking. Libertarianz voters, who are no strangers to magical thinking, love this kind of thing, and both of them will flock to his cause.

The Greens are doing fine. If anything, they're doing too fine. Their problem is they are becoming predictable in the way that they consistently stick to their principles. They've also got atrociously boring names. Russel Norman? More like Russel Yawnin'. He should change his name to Michelangelo. You don't see too many politicians named Michelangelo, and I think this would make people sit up and take notice, in stark contrast to Labour's current leader who makes people lie down and fall asleep. "Look," they'd say. "There goes Michelangelo. I'm going to vote for his name." Compare that to whatshisname. That guy. You know, the current Labour one. His name has something to do with burps. But more to the point, the more politicians we can get named after Renaissance artists, the better. Gareth Hughes has a rather boring name, doesn't he? He shall be Donatello. Metiria Turei can be Raphael, and someone else can be Leonardo. You get to pick who. Together, they shall form some kind of super-team. I call them the Teenage Demographic-Appealing Non-Genetically-Modified Turtles. (Turtles because the Greens oppose progress and are green).

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National's problem is that it is losing the youth demographic. The generation now coming of voting age grew up with the original 151 Pokemon, and National needs to use the power of Pokemon-based memes to their advantage. John Key looks like a Scyther to me. (For the readers out there who may not be familiar with Pokemon: Scyther is a big insectoid thing with scythe blades for hands). He can make use of this, and the others can too. A Snorlax is a giant Pokemon who blocks roadways, much like Gerry Brownlee is a giant human who blocks progress in Christchurch. Magicarp is a fish-like thing with no abilities, which is a dead ringer for any number of National MPs, but mostly Anne Tolley. Mr Mime is a terrifying mime with the ability to create invisible walls, which sounds like Steven Joyce. And so on.

Really, it's a wonder there's any need for pundits at all when the solutions are so obvious. Joshua Drummond is a Hamilton freelance writer who spends too much time on the internet.

- © Fairfax NZ News

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