Oh, America. America. What fools these Americans be.
OPINION: Obama. The Obama Nation is back. It was supposed to be a landslide for Romney! It WAS a landslide for Romney, damn it!
At least among the Right.
The Right people, that is.
Right. White. It even rhymes.
The white establishment is now the minority.
The voters, many of them, feel the economic system is stacked against them and they want stuff.
Stuff, damn their eyes! How could they want stuff? Like a half-decent healthcare system and equal rights for minorities and women? Disgusting! PC gone mad!
People feel they are entitled to things and which candidate, between the two, is going to give them those things? Obama is, of course. Now that he's won. Which he hasn't really.
Despite winning the electoral college and the popular vote, he'll never be the president.
At least not mine.
Oh god. My guns! My beautiful assault weapons! I shall have to take them out from the bottom of my cupboard where they are securely wrapped in an oilcloth and put them in a safe.
Obama won't be able to get into a safe. He's stupid. What a stupid, stupid man. How could such a stupid man be elected president?
He must be deviously clever.
A deviously clever Muslim who was born in Kenya. Possibly a Muslim Kenyan Reptilian Shapeshifter. Yes.
Mr Obama was not and is not the president. The Hawaiian long-form "birth certificate" he publicly endorsed and posted on the White House website last year as proof that he was born in the jurisdiction of the United States and is thus constitutionally eligible to be president, is a forgery. I can prove it. With maths!
Then, at last, the kim-chee will interface with the rotatory convector. The kipper behind the radiator will be exposed, and Obama, with egg all over his face, will be out of the frying pan and into the fire. He will be toast and will stew in his own juice behind bars for decades.
How evil is this secret Muslim Manchurian lizard-candidate?
Well, I once wrote, during the heated primary contest earlier this year, that I wouldn't vote for Mitt Romney if he were running against Satan himself.
Fortunately, I never said what I would do if he were running against Barack Obama.
Today, the day after Election Day 2012, I regret those harsh words. We can't let this happen.
We should march on Washington and stop this travesty.
Our nation is totally divided!
The electoral college system is a disaster for a democracy, a total sham and a travesty.
Somehow it wasn't when Bush won the college but not the popular vote in 2000, but it is now.
I know! We should have a revolution in this country!
What's that? Obama carried the popular vote as well? Shut up.
Go away, you inconvenient truth. You're fired.
On an unrelated note, I hate maths. Maths and the people who use maths, like Nate Silver.
How dare he predict the outcome of the election with close to 100 per cent accuracy, simply by refusing to engage in gut-feeling punditry? The Republican machine runs on guts. That was the problem with this campaign.
Not enough guts. Romney was too kind, too much of a gentleman, to be president. How I hate him.
The presidency wasn't all we lost, though. We lost a decent, god-fearing, non-gay-marrying, weed-hating nation.
Two states voted to legalise gay marriage. God will punish them.
I composed a song about it:
O fabulous for fey-faced guys,
For endless waves of gays,
For rainbow mountain travesties
Above the fruity plain!
God hid his grace from thee
And crown'd thy death with wrath and rage
From sea to raging sea!
The sea. Hurricane Sandy! They say it was climate change helping make it happen but I know better because my ideology (which comes from my gut, dammit) tells me climate change can't possibly be real and/or man-made.
I know what it was - a sign, God punishing the godless Obama.
Which seems to have helped Obama but, you know - God, mysterious ways, etc.
There's no way so many people could agree with human rights and affordable healthcare and mitigating climate change.
The only possible explanation is the Democrats stole the election.
They stole it from us!
My precious election.
That's it. I'm moving to a country with a strong, God-fearing president, without a social safety net or socialised healthcare, a new home where I can own as many assault weapons as I please, a place that doesn't suffer God's wrath in the form of natural disasters.
I'm moving to New Zealand.
Joshua Drummond is a Right-wing freelance writer who moved to New Zealand.