Joe Bennett

If a word gets your goat, you don't get goats


OPINION: I mean to deliver, as promised, a list of words or phrases that get my goat. The first ought to be "get my goat".

English is always evolving


OPINION: People who are forever telling me that the English language is in decline. It isn't.

Going through a bad phrase


OPINION: Bereft of ideas of her own, the leech was seeking to pick the brains of others on the subject of our much abused friend the English language.

Waging war's enough to turn your hair grey

OPINION: The job seems to have won. I, Barack Obama, have become my office.

Gawping without guilt not really looking

Traffic lights

OPINION: Cars were edging round the scene of the prang. They went slowly, partly for safety, but mainly so as to gawp.

Books are better


OPINION: When on a plane coming in to land, I hold my book a little higher so I can be seen by those who've had to switch off their electric books.

A different game of two halves

iraq strap

OPINION: If the Middle East doesn't watch out we'll give up on them. We really will.

No bones about sale to kids

New World

OPINION: Children make top customers with their lack of critical judgment, trust in adults and slavery to appetites.

Joe Bennett: Ah love


OPINION: Ah men. Ah women. Ah love. It does such damage. Here's the story of a friend.

Watching world go round in Money suburb

Cloudy Auckland

OPINION: I paid Money a visit this week. I went to Auckland.

Teachers, have ye made a match?


OPINION: When I taught English, no-one wanted to know what I thought about it. Now that I don't, they sometimes do.

Football is theatre, not war

Fifa Football World Cup Trophy

Football's World Cup really is a cup for the world - everywhere you go, everyone's watching.

Sweltering on the rightish path

left turn

OPINION: We'd taken a wrong turn - and a wrong turn's always the right thing to do.

A terminal case of megalomania


OPINION: Travelling is difficult - exponentially more so when you're foreign. And London's Victoria Station is full of foreigners.

What? Football at the World Cup?

Fifa Football World Cup Trophy

OPINION: Welcome to the Fifa 2014 World Cup, with football being but a mere sideshow to big money.

Yaya's not feeling the love

Yaya Toure

OPINION: Poor Yaya Toure. I bet he was bullied at school for being called Yaya. And now he's being bullied by a football club.

Devices will snitch on us

OPINION: There is now more computing power in your cellphone than there was in Apollo 11.

A toast to life's Acquisitors


OPINION: Ten years ago Kim Hill interviewed a dying historian who'd written a book. He was spending the last cancer-racked months of his life promoting it.

My treacherous guests

rats generic

OPINION: As if blessed by the goddess of fertility, this house is alive once more with the patter of tiny feet. I've got rats.

You win, everyone else loses


OPINION: The game's rules are simple: Describe the prelude to a global cataclysm. If the future proves you right, you win.