Guy Williams: my candidates for New Zealander of the Year
Is it weird that the New Zealander of the Year award has been going for seven years and only once been won by a woman?
Heck no! Women are definitely less New Zealandy every year than men and this award proves it once and for all!
Awards are meaningless, except for the TV Guide Sexiest Man on TV 2014. That was a genuine award, well deserved by me. Note this was "Sexiest man on TV" not "Most sexist man on tv" which is what my mum thought it was.
If you look at the fascinating and proud seven-year history of the New Zealander of the Year award, it wasn't getting much publicity giving it to some science nerd like Ray Avery or Paul Callaghan. More recently they've kind of changed it into the "Coolest guy of the year award" giving it to Richie McCaw (very cool) and Taika Waititi (arguably even cooler this year, so should probably be a hot favourite to go back to back).
According to the website, "New Zealander of the Year" goes to a person (preferably a man) who "has made an outstanding contribution to the wellbeing of the nation". I'm surprised I haven't won it already for these hot fire columns I turn out week after week! Also for the stimulating intellectual debate, I spark in the comments section of almost every piece. (Important note: Guy's column is technically fortnightly due to the infrequent nature of Guy turning in something actually worth publishing).
* Guy Williams: the worst name in sport
* Guy Williams: why are Kiwis so aggro about politics?
* Guy Williams: Offensive jokes can be funny. But are they worth it?
* Guy Williams: What the heck is Gareth Morgan doing?
No one better exemplifies this than the 2015 winner: Warehouse founder Stephen Tindall for his contributions to charity, and his spotting Walmart in America and bringing the concept to New Zealand. Imagine New Zealand without the Warehouse? Urgh! Yuck. Thanks to Sir Stephen for this wonderful contribution.
2017 is shaping up to be a hot year for New Zealander of the Year, and submissions close soon, so let's look at some of my top picks:
THE MAN FROM THE CHANUI TEA ADS (ODDS 4309-1)
This man truly embodies the passion of a real New Zealander. He loves that tea so much that he guarantees your money back if you don't like it. You'd never ask for it back though, partly because it's such a good tea, partly because he would be absolutely crushed if you did. I'm not sure how well the Chanui tea company is doing, but based on TV advertising it is bigger and more successful than Google. But then again so is the "Vibratrain" vibrating fitness platform.
RICHIE MCCAW (AGAIN) (25-1)
Richie is so good at rugby that he retired, and the All Blacks keep winning!
Note that I wrote this column before last night's game. I just assumed the All Blacks won, that's how little I respect Australia and how much I appreciate Rexona's ability to keep the boys cool under pressure! If they lost then it's the ref's fault, always has been, always will be.
What has Richie been up to in retirement, I hear you ask? Well, some of you might have realised that his wife Gemma has been on holiday a lot on Instagram… Who do you think is taking those hammock shots? While Gemma's photos are great, I'd prefer photos of Richie taking photos of Gemma in a hammock for Instagram.
She nailed the "difficult second album". I honestly couldn't believe it! It went number 1 in the US! This one kind of isn't a joke; I genuinely think that this is an unbelievable and underrated achievement rarely done by pop artists who write their own music, let alone by a Kiwi!
LILY FROM THE BIG SAVE FURNITURE ADS (230-1 ODDS, PRETTY GOOD CONSIDERING!)
Big Save Furniture and their fantastic frontwoman rebranded with a classier TV ad campaign, and it looks great! I'm a little suspicious that she no longer talks about how upset her dad is with her for ordering too many mattresses! What happened to her Dad? I'm worried she killed him! I hope Dad is fine, but if he's not then murder will almost certainly cost Lily in the eyes of the judges. Hang on, I just googled the dad to make sure he is actually ok. I'm pretty sure Ray McKimm is fine and opening an "urban winery" in Napier! Congratulations Ray.
RAY MCKIMM (311-1)
What a man! I just read about this new Urban Winery in Napier it sounds fantastic, can't wait to check it out!
THE ENTIRE COUNTRY OF NEW ZEALAND (26 -1)
Some say it takes an entire country get behind the boys and lift the America's Cup! Congratulations Aotearoa, you're front runners from New Zealander of the Year!
- Sunday Star Times