At the movies: The argument for and against noisy cinema-goers
OPINION: Is it time to ban popcorn, confiscate cellphones and enforce silence in movie theatres?
Entertainment reporters Glenn McConnell and Darren Bevan go head to head with their visions for the perfect cinema.
Let the people live. Cinemas are no place for authoritarian law, argues Glenn McConnell.
Here's the truth: The movies don't really matter.
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Cinemas are about the people, they always have been and always will be. Movie buffs determined to analyse every filmic convection, animation and angle mightn't want to admit it, but most of us go to the cinema to see friends, not films.
Every single one of us has been to a film they had no interest in, just because a friend was going. Sitting at the back of Wellington's Reading Cinema and curled up on the comfy couches in the bowels of The Embassy, I have tolerated some brain numbingly boring films.
Here's a confession: I got through them by fidgeting, by whispering and by biting down on some crunchy popcorn.
I'm not sorry.
I once even texted in a cinema, and I make no apology for that either. It was late and I had been dragged to a Lego movie. With the yellow brick protagonist failing to provide enough entertainment, I gazed around the cinema and noticed a friend asleep. I texted their seat mate to shock the sleeper back to life. Their gurgled yelp as Fanta hit their head was comedy gold, I have no regrets.
Those of us too mainstream to know when the next groundbreaking piece of arthouse film is due out will go to see movies because a friend suggests it.
I write about "culture" for a living, but let's face it; The Emoji Movie didn't make US$25 million in two days thanks to its great storyline. Cinemas belong to the people, the movies are their social lubricant.
During the evening, theatres will be teaming with teens. A good cinema is a hive for its city's young adults. The newly teen-aged, in that awkward "tween" age-bracket (10 - 13), are a cinema's late-afternoon-to-evening emperors.
It's a place to hang out away from prying parental eyes. We've all been there, cinemas hold a special place in teenagedom.
What do you do if it's raining? What do you do when you're too young to traverse the bars but too cool to spend Saturday night at home? What do you do for that second date? Go to the cinema.
Yes, we need to hear the movie. And nobody wants to be pulled out of a horror movie and into the world of their seat neighbour's family dramas – but this doesn't mean we should be squeezing enjoyment out of the cinema.
If a cinema-goer wants to laugh at their friend for squealing during a (not very) scary scene, let them laugh.
If they have a few words to say, it's just because the film's absolutely boring or so captivating they can't help themselves. Let them say it.
And come on, it's just popcorn. It's just a Malteser. Bring back Tangy Fruits, I say! Let the people eat!
Let them live. Leave the snacks alone. Ignore the two gossiping teens, they've only got a few moments before those girls they are (but officially aren't) into come back from the toilets.
It's an age old tradition for teens to unintentionally annoy people at their local cinemas. If you don't like it maybe, just maybe, you should see better films.
Join the uprising against rude cinema-goers. Darren Bevan is making a kick-starter to create his perfect movie theatre.
While there are clearly a plethora of cinemas we all love, I think it's universally fair to say there's one thing most of us hate about the cinema: The public.
As a film reviewer and movie lover, I'm happy to admit spending much time in the dark of the matinee may be a luxury, but there's one thing that I simply can't abide – it's the hoi polloi and their incessant desire to systematically destroy the experience under the belief that it's their right to do so.
It's getting worse. I'm not talking snobbishness here either – because the behaviour is more widespread than you'd expect.
Whether it's the latest loud instalment of the brain-numbing Fast and Furious franchise or watching that Romanian subtitled tortured coming-of-age film that three critics have been raving about, people are simply contributing to the downfall of societal manners.
Consistently late into films, pushing past people while loudly intoning they're sorry for being late; the list goes on. How about you just shut the hell up and don't feel the need to be late? Maybe in future, leave 10 minutes earlier than you planned – just be on time. The rest of us managed to get here before the film started, we managed to find a car-park, queued up, got tickets, went to the toilet and got seated before it all began. Why couldn't you?
It doesn't end there though. The list of cinema crimes perpetrated by the obnoxious stream of Joe Public is ever increasing. And depressingly, it seems to be part of the whole cinema going experience now – a sort of tacit admission that all manner of bad behaviour can be tolerated because you paid for the experience.
From chatting and leaning over to mates to ask them if they just saw that bit of the film WHICH WE ALL SIMULTANEOUSLY WITNESSED to scrabbling around for the last bloody Malteser in the world's noisiest packet, it's reaching epidemic levels.
Here's an insight - if I'm watching something, I don't actually like to be disturbed.
I actually would like to be engrossed in the world the film-maker's spent weeks or months creating. I don't need to hear your opinion on it.
As a further peek into what's ailing me, I even get irritated when my wife decides to talk over something I'm watching at home. (Yes, I know that may end in divorce, but quite frankly, she was warned before we got married.)
Do not even get me started on the phones problem. Cinemas even have adverts now, reminding people to turn them off. The New Zealand International Film Festival even uses stills from its various films to warn anyone tempted to use them that it's worse than bad behaviour.
I have a friend who was cast as an extra in the Spark ad that plays before the trailers; you know the one - it's the one where they tell you to turn it off. Let me tell you, it took me a while to forgive them as they were the instigator of the phone ringing in the ad. Unforgivable.
When the trailers start, it's time for you to turn off the phone, go silent and let everyone enjoy the experience. Not tell me what you've seen that actor before in and what you think will happen or reach down into your bag and pull out that gargantuan bag of lollies and start rustling trying desperately to open it while praying nobody hears you.
Actually, I have a better idea. I think I'm going to one step further.
I'm going to start a Kickstarter campaign for the perfect cinema. A venue where phones are banned and have to be handed in before you take your seat. A venue where talking results in an electric shock being administered from under your chair by a studious attendant, scanning all and sundry throughout the film in night vision glasses, waiting to pounce. A venue where all food is banished - especially the multi-faceted annoyance of crunching popcorn, the cinema world's attempt to turn those packing styrofoam pieces into something edible, but just ends up being irritable.
I reckon it's time to go back what made the movies so damn magical - the film itself. I reckon it could be a winner - who's with me?
So what do you think? Are you for or agains noisy cinemas? Let us know in the comments.
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