Guy Williams: the greatest rap names of all time, according to me
It's not easy being a wannabe political commentator in… whatever year it is… I don't have time to research, this column is due in 18 minutes! Every time I try to write what I think is a funny political column with a message, I'm met with the passionate rage of some the scariest people in the world: people with photo's of their children in their profile pictures.
I don't know why I have such a big problem with this demographic, but I feel like I can't fire back. It's like they're cleverly using their child as a human shield!
This week, I decided that I wanted to avoid anything controversial and share my opinions on hip hop. It's about time that a deeply personal African-American art form was judged by a privileged white man who's never faced discrimination or hardship in his life.
Rap music is about struggle? Well, there's no greater struggle then being a white man at a Drake concert.
* Guy Williams: Arise, Sir John!
How can I listen to a song like "Started from the bottom (now we're here)" when I started at the top!? For me that song would be "Started from the top, and continued at the top, have had a very privileged lifestyle and now we're probably underachieving if anything, should have been a doctor with all the opportunities that were afforded to me."
So to continue my proud history of not nearly living up to my potential, I present my list of the Greatest Rap Names of all time. Please note that this should be judged harshly and taken seriously.
1) The Wu-Tang Clan - The name "Wu-Tang" comes from a film but it's the individual members who really shine. "Ghostface Killah" and "Ol' Dirty Bastard" are my favourites. Alt artist and rapper "Childish Gambino" famously got his name from the "Wu-Tang name generator" and that's why they're the greatest of all time.
2) Odd Future - the group that was banned from coming to New Zealand in 2014 is officially called "Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All" and if that's not a good name, then I don't know what is. Actually, yes I do: their lead rapper is "Tyler the Creator" and he creates with "Jasper Dolphin" "Domo Genisis" and the legendary "Frank Ocean". The recipe seems to take an old man's name and add a slightly flamboyant ocean-based last name… "Alan Octopus"? Now all I need is talent!
3) PNC - The only Kiwi to make this prestigious list, PNC apparently stands for Palmerston North City, if you can believe it. And it's hard to imagine a cooler place to reference hip hop than the jewel of the Manawatu!
4) LL Cool J - stands for "Ladies love cool James". Drop the mic, walk out the building, that is an all time classic.
5) Waka Flocka Flame - apparently got his name from the muppet Fozzie Bear and his catchphrase "waka, waka, waka". How that became "Waka Flocka Flame" who cares? It's awesome.
6) Bone Thugs-N-Harmony - For anyone who doesn't know hip hop at all, this list must be blowing your minds right now! Members include "Bizzy Bone", "Layzie Bone", "Krayzie Bone" and my personal favourite "Wish Bone". It sounds like I'm making this up, but I promise I'm not.
7) 2 Chains often cops a lot of flak for wearing more or less than "2 Chains" but not as much as he got from his old name "Tity Boi". He claims the name (which was perceived as sexist) came from his mum because he breast fed for a long time! His dad called him "Tity Man" and his friends called him Tit. Unfortunately the sexist perception has hung around with the release of such songs as the "Birthday song" which famously repeats the line "All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho" and "She got a big booty/so I call her Big Booty".
Honorable Mentions: "Del Tha Funky Homosapien", "Trademark Da Skydiver", "Peanut Butter Wolf", "Q-Tip" and the "Tea Bag Boyz"
- Sunday Star Times