Cartoon-ocalypse: Why complaining about reboots ruining cartoons is ruining cartoons
OPINION: So, some smart-alec, millennial lady-girl is remaking She-Ra, huh?
Here we go. Another childhood destroyed! Another beloved cultural icon trodden beneath the boot heel of kindness, flying the grim flag of self esteem for all, pushing ideas of self worth and togetherness on impressionable young minds. How dare they?
This new She-Ra's not even inappropriately sexy anymore. Her chest is flat. Those rotten, no good, self-centred teenaged girls that no-one listens to anyway, ruining everything just like they did when I was 11. What will they do next? Make He-Man into SHE MAN? I wouldn't put it past them. They've got no respect.
Cool your jets, I'm joking. I can't wait for award winning comic creator Noelle Stephenson to give She-Ra, 80s cartoon bombshell, a fresh lick of TV paint for 2018.
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Naturally, the new character design has some "flaws" the "fans" have been quick to point out.
"Why is She-Ra flat?" asked one baffled 40-something who should definitely know better.
"She is supposed to be a Beautiful Warrior Woman... This new design for your show looks Anti-Beauty and Anti-Feminine," opined another.
"No breasts. Can I ask why SJWs [social justice warriors] felt these changes were necessary, an improvement, or appealing?" cried yet another, about a character that is literally a child, making my skin crawl right off my body to go hide under the couch.
This was on Twitter, naturally, where all the best critical discourse lives.
Look, let's set aside the fact it appears some grown-assed men are upset because a cartoon for children isn't sexy enough for them. And the fact some see a flat-chested female character as offensive rather than say, Oh, I dunno... a child.
This is the nine-hundred-and-ninty-millionth time this year we've had to have a discussion about how reboots are supposedly ruining our childhoods and everything is terrible.
I bet most of us hadn't even thought about She-Ra for 30 years. Either they're making this crap up, or they've been in pop culture stasis since 1986. It's just not healthy.
Ghostbusters, Star Wars, Thundercats, Voltron, now She-Ra. Adult fans who demand reboots not actually re-boot anything, keeping everything exactly as it was when they were kids, are like the spoilt kid who brings all the best toys to the sandbox at play time, but bashes anyone else who tries to play with them.
Except that kid is 45, has kids of their own and definitely, definitely should know better.
Sharing doesn't make the toys less yours. But it does make people loathe you less.
Sure we'd all like it if TV came up with something new. But you know how hard it is for the Millenium Falcon to take off with a gaggle of mynocks hanging off it? No? Well take it from me and Han Solo, it's hard.
And it's the same amount of hard for new ideas to take off in this day and age when they – the holders of the all powerful credit cards – keep demanding nostalgia stuff to force feed their kids with in the first place.
I'm not saying us oldies should go quietly into that good night. I'm not even saying we should stop rebooting stuff. I hear 20-year-old Rugrats is getting a do over, too, that could be a laugh.
What I'm saying is: accepting that torches need to be passed, and that you might not "get it" when they are, is nothing to be scared of. It's just how it goes.
If we must behave like children, let's make like Adora – the 16 year-old-girl who turns into heroic She-Ra "for the honour of Greyskull!" – and try to be better.
Sunday Star Times